"ONE DAY WE'LL BE REUNITED"

Each night before I close my eyes, I pray you laughed and giggled that day. I'll never forget the 1st time I saw you. 12lbs, a tiny little one. I would put you in the snuggly, and use my knit cape to keep you warm. A gorgeous, black, full head of hair. You had more hair at 3 1/2 mths than a lot of 2 year olds have even grown in 2 yrs. Big, beautiful, dark eyes. The eyes of an old soul! I was very curious of why the sweetest little china doll baby girl was watching me with eyes of an old, old soul. What life experiences could you possibly have been through during the brief moment in time since your birth? Do you remember your Barney? We got you your 1st one w/in 10 days of your arrival. The visiting Nurse who came once a month your 1st year suggested a lovey to comfort you during any moments of stress. When you 1st came, any time you were distressed, i.e.bath time, diaper change,... You would pull your hair so hard it would stand straight out from the sides of your head. I tried putting socks on your hands until I could ask the Nurse. Miss Donna thought you were doing it as a self comforting attempt. So Barney became an important part of your life during the next 2 1/2 yrs. I would rub the silky side up and down your arm, leg, belly,...You were attached and redirected rather quickly. You loved it being stroked gently all over your face, lips, tip of nose, especially when you were tired. You would grow and name it "silking". I think there were 3 Barneys altogether. We got an extra after almost losing Barney #1. Then we got you another when the fleece side wasn't so fluffy anymore. You always preferred the original! Lol! Between the ages 2-3, every morning you'd come in my bedroom w/ your b., blanket, and Barney. "Here's Ahmi and her 3 B's.." was our saying back then. There was a brief time when I'd have to sneak him in the washer although, you always agreed that he smelt better after a wash and dry. Lol! From the very first day of your arrival you stole my heart. Your sweet laughter filled our hearts and the house with joy. One day I pray we'll be reunited. I will once again wrap my arms around you and I hope you'll be at home. I pray you giggled and laughed today my sweetest Ahmi girl. I Love you Forever and Always plus One more Day!! XOXO Mom **Edited 12/24/2011

"DEAR SWEET GIRL"

Dear Sweetest Ahmi girl, I pray you giggled and laughed today. That your heart is somewhat lighter. Even though the substitutes and Genny Wrecklage wouldn't allow us the chance to say goodbye, I just know within my heart that we will be reunited and we'll be together at Christmas again one day. For now, I wish you the Merriest Christmas and the Happiest 5th birthday! It seems like just yesterday you were 2 and claiming to be five so you could "be big like A.J and Sam". I think about you often. Do you still like Elephants? Tea parties? Flip flops? Do you still take your shoes off the 1st chance you get? Do you still silk? I miss your silks. I miss you my sweet baby love and think of you everytime I see the moon. I send a kiss and a hug to you each night before I go to bed. Be happy my sweetest girl as you so deserve to be. I love you Forever and Always plus One more Day! Till we see each other again, I hold you in my heart. XOXO Mom

"DEAR MISS WRECKLAGE"

Miss Wrecklage, just want to say Happy Holidays! May karma deliver for you in 2012! Aside from the lies and hurtful things that came  from your mouth, I can NEVER forget that you allowed Bully Bastard Bill (liar and spouse abuser) to see her that one last time. Yet, your evil, black hearted, backstabbing self refused her and I the humane, compassionate, chance for transition and closure! Because they were jealous she was talking about me all the time?? WTF?? They can't understand our bond? Garbage! Passing time till she contacts me. And, she will! Our hearts are bonded w/ love! Something you have no clue about. My blog (billboard) is waiting right there. I come up on all the major search engines! People all over the world UK, Germany, Ireland, Russia... read my blog! Since July 58 people have found my blog due to you. They may have been checking your name for something else. Regardless, they found me. 1,600 views in 4 months! I'm very pleased! Deny it all you like I saw the way she looked at you when you made that stupid comment at Polinsky's. Like you were insane or had two heads! You may consider Child Development. You mentally and emotionally abused her those 2 days! Only you! Try to blame Bill and I all you like. You alone own it! It doesn't matter if you're honest or not. We both know you're a liar! We (you and I) both heard what she said! I know I was wrong not to have him locked up in Sept 2009. I guess you don't know fear. I now know I should have kept my mouth shut! I let the anger re: the lie he told licensing get the better of me. I'd say I paid the worst price! Yet, you had to make it even worse by not allowing me the chance to say goodbye. You're the most evil, cold hearted b&tch I've ever met! Yes, I pray every night that the Karma you've earned catches you. I pray it's painful, drawn out, and rips your heart and soul apart! I pray you rot in the fires of hell! I know 100% she'll look for me. Thank God for the Internet! It's a small, small world!! Tick tick tick.....

"CORRECT NAMES"

One afternoon in the fall of 2010 we were at the neighborhood CVS. While I was paying, you were standing next to me doing little jumps while you waited. Suddenly you said, "Ow I hurt my vagina." The young kid behind the counter started laughing hysterically. "What did she say?" You politely repeated, "I hurt my vagina." Which set him off again. Of course you were very confused by his laughter. After all, you had hurt yourself and his reaction made no sense. As we left the store you asked me why he'd laughed when you hurt yourself. I explained to you that some people were very uncomfortable with the words "penis and vagina." I went on, "in our house we use the correct terms because it's important that you're always comfortable talking about your body. No matter what you can always come to me with any questions or problems, I'm here for you." Though we did agree that while out in public from then on, you'd tell me quietly so we'd avoid embarrassing anyone else. :) I hope those people have no hang ups re: correct names. I pray they didn't react the wrong way the first time you used the word vagina. If they have any sense they'll get over any hang ups they may have and realize that keeping children safe means encouraging open, honest communication from a young age. Just as I did with Chris years ago, I'd been following the very same philosophy with you. I hope they haven't done anything that would shame you. Just as I told you once, everyone has a body. Our bodies are special and private. No one has the right to touch you if you don't want them to. And they definitely don't have the right to do anything that scares you or feels bad. Remember, good secrets make you or someone else feel happy. Any secret that makes you unhappy or sad should be told right away. There's nothing wrong with using the correct names of our body parts. It's the adults/parents with their hang ups/issues who are wrong. I pray you giggled and laughed today little one. I love you sweetest girl. Forever and Always plus One more Day. XOXO Mom

CHILD PUNISHING SERVICE: "TO THE SUBSTITUTE"

"DEAR SUBSTITUTE part 2"

  Dear Substitute, Although we've never met, one little girl connects us. Because of your inhumane, devastating decision not to allow My daughter and I the chance to say goodbye, I can never respect you. You have no right to claim the title of "Mom". Your decision against us having closure, was in your best interests not Ahmi's. If the situation had been reversed, as a Mom myself, I can assure you I would have allowed the goodbye for Ahmi's sake. Part of being a Mother is putting your child's interests before your own petty jealousies and insecurities. I'd like you to consider this, the bond between her and I, the one that was so "threatening", that same bond allows her to bond with others. Yes, she was raised with love, attention, nurturing, patience, affection, enrichment, encouragement, etc... It's because of us that she's the Loving, Inquisitive, Joyful, Sweet, Kind, Bright, Awesome little girl that she is. Yes, I had a rotten marriage. I was/am a GREAT Mom! Obviously a better one than yourself. I put aside my feelings and arranged a visit with her B. mother. Despite having had to deal with S.  the first 15 months and to be honest, having felt relieved when she vanished. I did it for Ahmi. What will you say when she finds out you wouldn't allow her and I the chance to say goodbye? Will you be honest and tell her that you were jealous? That your feelings were more important? Nice mothering! Obviously putting her Interests before your own was something you were incapable of. Although for now you have the privilege of sharing her life, never forget I am waiting. I have constructed a well lit path for her to follow one day. If and when she searches for me, I will show the same compassion I received from you. Be assured on that day I will do everything in my power to take her from you! In fact I will not rest until I completely sever any ties between the two of you. You can do your best to erase me from her mind. Our hearts are bonded with love. You will not erase me from her heart. I have something you never will, the important years and all the memories that belong to her and I exclusively. She's going to want all of that knowledge. I'll be waiting with her baby journals and her scrapbook. Waiting to reclaim her. You should pray each night that she doesn't become a rebellious teen. If she EVER reaches out to me, I will always be her safe harbor. She always will be welcome and safe with me. I would never betray her! I'm right here, waiting. I believe the day will come...I pray you giggled and laughed today Sweetest Girl! I Love you Forever and Always plus One more Day! XOXO Mom ** Edited 12/24/2011

CHILD PUNISHING SERVICE: "TO THE BEST GIRL"

CHILD PUNISHING SERVICE: "THE CRAP SHE SPEAKS"

"THE CRAP SHE SPEAKS PART 2"

When she was 15 months old, my daughters birth Mom skipped an important court date and vanished for 2 years. At that time parental rights were terminated. A month before my daughters 3rd birthday, I received a letter from her. Basically it said, she'd got her life straightened out and she was ready to be a Mom. Although I was concerned re: her assumption and or perception of reality. As a Mom myself, I could understand her wanting to see the baby, missing her, needing to know how she was doing, etc... Once Genny Wrocklage met with her and let her know where things stood. That rights had been terminated 2 yrs. previously, that we were moving ahead with Adoption, etc... I called her and set up a meeting for the 2 of us as a prerequisite before visiting with the baby. Basically, I just wanted to discuss a happy, low-key, visit that would put the baby's emotions as the top priority. Children grow a lot between 15 months and age 3! I didn't want adult emotions to overwhelm and frighten child ones! Anyways, that night I talked with my daughter about her "Mama S." How she'd come back from a long trip, wanted to visit with her, etc... My daughter's one concern? She asked if she had to go live with her. After I reassured her that no, her home was with us, it was just a visit. She replied, "okay I would like to visit then Mom." The next afternoon I phoned and arranged to meet her at a donut shop in her neighborhood. Now, aside from being 30 mins. late, if the boundaries we'd discussed the day before had been respected, I would have been okay with a visit every 6 months or so. As a Mom, I couldn't imagine life without my son. Although, I never was (fortunately) in her position. I understand the mother love. Unfortunately, she acted in ways that would potentially confuse my daughter and bring chaos into our lives. After discussing it with my husband, I let her know that we felt it was in the baby's best interest to let her grow and develop a little more before arranging any additional visits. I let her know that I'd set up an exclusive email for communication between us and that I would send pics. 2 or 3 times a year. At that point in time, having been completely ignored on the boundaries we'd discussed and agreed on, and having been disrespected several times to my daughter. i.e. She couldn't refer to me as "your Mom or Mom" while talking to the baby. I was "her and she". At one point, my daughter gave me a questioning look. When she took it upon herself to mention holiday plans to my daughter that we had not discussed, it was clear. My daughter deserved to continue growing up with a Mom and a Dad who loved her, in the safe, secure only world she'd known for 3 yrs. After a few years, when her foundation was a little more developed and she had more of an understanding, we'd reassess things. Now, I will tie this post together. As an answer to one of my many requests for a goodbye visit, Genny Wrocklage said,"A visit isn't possible at this time, they're bonding, yadayada. Remember how you felt re: S.? Well now you're S." Okay for one thing, I shared a deep, loving bond with my daughter that only comes with daily, consistent, loving time spent together. During our private meeting, one thing I stated to S., "I respect that you carried her and gave her life." "However, 2 years is a long time at her age. You need to accept and respect, she hasn't been sitting on a shelf waiting for your return. I've been a consistent, loving, part of her life as long as she can remember. You need to be okay that I'm Mom." Since we had a history, I guess I accepted her quick agreement a little quickly myself. Second point, I very much set up the visit understanding S.'s heart and desire as a Mom myself. However, I took time to insure that A.'s best interests were number one priority. Only someone who has no clue would attempt to compare the situations!! I always acted for the good of my dau. I never put my feelings into the equation! Isn't that a Mom? Yes! A true Mom doesn't put her jealousies, insecurities, ahead of what's best for the child! IMO Someone who's incapable of that, Is not and will NEVER be a true, fit, deserving parent! I pray that you giggled and laughed today! My sweet little one Forever and Always, Plus One more Day! XOXO Mom

"FLYING TO BOSTON"

August of 2009 we traveled to Boston for the 2nd time. Big difference between 10 months and 30 months! Traveled much lighter this time! Lol! You were old enough to understand vacation which was awesome! The 1st day or 2 of our 1st trip were difficult for you. I'm sure it was a combination of; jet lag, strange place, strangers, confusion. You were okay after a bit. It was just something new. This time, you were recently out of diapers! Which was awesome! Even though we had about 15 mins. between each potty break, No accidents! We took a nonstop red eye, you were sound asleep w/in mins. of take off. Unlike myself, you were able to sleep most of the flight there. Just one of the many perks of being a child! Anyways, the part that stands out for me, even now; Early the next morning, we were descending into Boston. The Captain was making the standard,"welcome to Boston, weather here is..., Thanks for flying w/ us, etc...speech." Just as you began waking up. Suddenly you turned to me and said,"Mommy that man's bothering me. Could you please ask him to be quiet?" I couldn't help but laugh! After checking into the hotel, we discovered the bed requested for you was unavailable. Thankfully this was remedied w/ a chaise and ottomen in the room. We put them together and voila! Perfect instant bed! Although we only stayed a short time, we actually did a lot of visiting. In addition to a baby shower at my cousin Lori's house, a reunion cookout at Prospect Hill park,"the woods".** You LOVED "going for a walk in the woods w /Daddy!" Swimming in the hotel pool w/ Daddy was also a favorite activity! On our last full day, we managed a trip into Boston to the children's museum. Not bad for 6 days! I was so proud for everyone to meet you and see what a wonderful child you were! I love you sweet Ahmi girl! Forever and Always plus One more Day! I hope you giggled and laughed today! XOXO Mom ** Edited: 12/26/11

"THE EYES HAVE IT"

I began taking you to the eye Dr. when you were approx. 4-5 months old for excessive tearing. Unfortunately you were a few months past a year when blocked tear ducts was finally diagnosed. Luckily you'd never had an infection or any goopy drainage. Just Lots of tears from one side. Too late for facial massage to try and open them. Although I did try hoping it might work. The appt. was made for your 1st out patient procedure. We took you in early to Children's and even though I was so worried I forgot your "B and blankie" at home, everything went well. We had a quick talk with the Dr. and the Anesthesiologist and they whisked you away so quickly, there were no tears. Well everything went as expected and we were home w/in 4 hours. Except for the normal nasal discharge over the next 24 hours we assumed that was behind us. Unfortunately, w/in 6 months the symptoms returned. For the 2nd procedure, they would put tubes into your ducts. Planning to leave them in for 6 months and hopefully that would allow them to remain open after the removal. Once again we went in early. This time I remembered your B and blanket! Once again the surgery went as expected. The hardest part for me was seeing the IV in your little hand when we were allowed back in recovery. I had to turn away so you wouldn't see my tears. They had covered it up with a towel but, you weren't fooled! "Take it off" you told the nurse. Trying to distract you, she said, "now don't take that home okay." You gave her such a look! Your look said loud and clear, "Are you crazy? I don't want to take it home. I want it off right now!." Luckily, we were able to distract you long enough till the fluid was gone and they finally removed it. After you had some juice we were able to go home. 24 hours of nasal discharge and you were good to go! Well, 5 days later we were on our way home from the B's, Apparently, while rubbing your eye, one tube was pulled out. I looked back and saw it hanging. That was a slight panic! Lol! Made it home. Called the Drs. office and was told to cover that eye w/ gauze and bring you in 1st thing in the a.m. Cover an almost 2 yr olds eye with gauze and tape! There's an experience! Well, they ended up having to pull it. Too much of the tube was out already. So, hoping for the best, we left the office w/ the 1 remaining tube. That one lasted 28 days! Dr. Bansel had hoped they'd be in longer but, she was optimistic that maybe it might have been enough time. Within 6 months unfortunately, the symptoms returned. The 3rd surgery consisted of the Dr. inserting a balloon and inflating it enough to hopefully clear out any and all blockage once and for all. This time there was a delay of a few hours before your surgery. I felt so bad for you. You wanted a drink and something to eat. Although, I understood where you were coming from, you weren't allowed anything. Luckily, we made it through and you were finally taken in. When I was allowed back into recovery, I was relieved there was no nasal discharge! So approx. 7 hours later we left the hospital. A quick stop for a happy meal, and home to rest. When we went in for your follow up, thank goodness it seemed to finally be taken care of. When Dr. Bansel mentioned that any further treatment would consist of Cortizone shots to the area. I made a mental note that wouldn't happen! You'd already been through enough! Luckily when I discussed it with Dr. Park, she agreed. We decided if necessary, we'd wait until you were a little older and shunts would be put in. However, in the end it was moot. Although, a few months later you said your eye was "crying" we gave it a few days and luckily, it stopped! I love you sweet girl! Forever and Always plus One more day! I pray you smiled and laughed today! XOXO Mom

"THE COLD RAINY DAY AT SEAWORLD"

Do you remember our 1st trip to SeaWorld w/ Ms. Mary? It was the fall of 2009. About two months before your third birthday. That morning was gray and drizzly but, knowing Ms. Mary would still be there, we headed out. Despite the threat of stormy weather, most of the morning was rain free. Towards the end however, just as we were on the walkway overlooking the Orcas, the rain began in earnest! What a trooper you were! Ms. Mary and the 2 of us were in one of the smaller aquariums. As the downpour showed no signs of easing up, Ms. Mary and I agreed it was time to go. You volunteered to lead the way! By the time we reached the car we were soaked to the skin! Luckily, I had towels in the emergency pack in the trunk. We were able to dry off a little bit. You were such a big girl! No whining or complaining. We just laughed about the weather and headed home. On the way, I asked how hot chocolate sounded. You immediately asked, "with cream?" Since hot chocolate with whipped cream was just what that cold, stormy day called for, we made a quick stop at the store to buy some. Minutes later we got home and changed (all of our) clothes. Lunch and hot chocolate(w/ cream)turned out to be the very best way to end the morning! We made a 2nd trip four months later in the Spring. The 2nd time it was typical Southern CA weather. Even so, despite the weather, I liked our 1st visit the best! I love you sweetest girl! Forever and Always plus One more Day! I hope you smiled and laughed today! XOXO Mom

"SWINGING"

I'll never forget Ms. Mary's outdoor class (or Ms. Helen's indoor one). AKA Parent participation classes. Those were some special times for us. We definitely went to a lot of parks and places we otherwise may not have known about. We started Ms. Helen when you were 15 months old. We were in her class until you were 2 1/2. You changed SO much! It was a joy and a privilage to share that special time. You learned and grew So quickly! Then of course, Ms. Mary's. We had an awesome 2 yrs. in her outdoor classroom! I always remember one of those days and smile! You were about 3 1/2. We were walking towards the swings and I asked you if you wanted to swing together. You sat on my lap facing me and I began to pump my legs. "Higher Mom, go higher." So after making sure you held on tight, and, clasping my hands behind you. I went higher. It was a beautiful spring day, a nice gentle breeze. It almost seemed we were flying! We looked at each other and began to giggle. You leaned your head back, closed your eyes, opened them and began chuckling. "Do that Mom. It tickles your tummy. Try it." So, I did. We laughed and laughed! It's a heart memory that I'll remember always. I Love You! Forever and Always plus One More Day! I hope you giggled and laughed today sweetest girl. XOXO Mom

"TO THE BEST GIRL"

To my sweet darling girl, First I want to say how very, very sorry I am for the trauma you've been put through this year. I'm sorry I lost our home and that you had to go to that HORRIBLE place(Polinsky). I'm also extremely sorry that I told Genny Wrocklage something out of anger that I'd kept quiet about for 15 months. I never should have trusted her, should have kept it to myself and in fact, should have taken it to the grave. Opening up to her was a big part of why you weren't returned to me. That is something I regret to this day and always will. I pray every day that you aren't blaming yourself for ANYTHING! Although, at four, I fear that is in fact the case. Sweetheart if I'd been allowed to see you, I would have assured you that, Absolutely nothing that happened was your fault! Not for a minute have I stopped loving you! You could never do anything that would cause that to happen! I love and miss you so much. Always and Forever plus One more day. Do you remember how I always told you about me wishing for a little girl when I was a little girl? How you were my dream come true? That is as true today as it always was. I begged many times for the chance to see you and say goodbye. There were different excuses about why I couldn't. Once, it was "she's talking about you too much, you're a threat to what they're trying to build with her." Although I'm not sure who's interest they were thinking of, yours or theirs? Another time Genny Wrocklage said "It's obvious you're still very angry with me and I don't see that a visit would be beneficial at this time." As if my anger at her would ever be greater than my love for you. It wouldn't but, she never gave me that chance. Although she told me at one time she understood that I was your Mom. That she respected the love and bond we shared, she never respected it enough to do the decent, human thing and allow us to have the chance to say goodbye. Sweet girl I pray each day your heart is a little happier and that you don't carry any of this on your shoulders. You were/are the best little girl any parents could hope for. Life with you was a joy and a privilege. I think about you all the time and anxiously await the day we might be reunited. Until then, a piece of my heart and soul is missing. The day I see you again is when I will once again be complete. I love you beautiful girl! Forever and Always, plus One more day! I pray you smiled and laughed today my sweetest girl! XOXO Mom

"WHAT DEFINES MOM"

"The commonest fallacy among women is that simply having children makes one a mother which is as absurd as believing that having a piano makes one a musician."-Sydney J. Harris
"Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother." - Oprah Winfrey

"Mom" IMO the greatest title a Woman can have in her lifetime. Aside from growing, carrying, and giving birth to a child. I've been thinking a lot the past ten months about other ways women become "Mom". Genny Wrocklage tried to minimize the relationship I shared with my daughter. In court I was reduced to the "caretaker". For myself, the biggest issue I have re: Social Workers is, they're not parents. They have no concept of being a parent, loving a child. In turn, they can't relate, there's no empathy. They look at the world with a young, inexperienced narrow viewpoint. My son grew under my heart. After 22 excruciating hours, he entered the world. It was love at first sight! 25 years later, a tiny, beautiful little girl came into my life. With the eyes of an old soul, she just lay quietly and looked at me. I wondered what had this baby been through in her first 3 months, that she seemed to look at life through much older eyes? From that first day, she began to grow in my heart. As time passed, she grew and thrived. The bond between us grew stronger as the days turned to weeks, months, and then to years. Along the way there was, life filled with, laughter, joy, love, a tear or two, many milestones to meet, and 3 eye surgerys to conquer. I believe loving, comforting, nurturing, teaching, all that goes into caring for a baby (3 mths.-4 yrs.), are all the acts of a Mom. I love both of my children. They both will always own a piece of my heart. My son showed me the meaning of a pure, emotional, over whelming love. He taught me what it means to love a child. My daughter means the world to me. I miss her and I love her just as much today as I did in Jan. At first, so much of what Genny Wrocklage said to me or about me was devastating. It was months before I finally got mad enough to fight for my self respect and my self esteem. Thus a blog was born. Through writing I've come to realize; She's not a parent. Therefore, she's incapable of relating as one. I will no longer allow her pointless judgements, lies, or statements haunt or define me. I also realize that my little girl will look for me one day soon. I'll have a lot to share with her on that day. I just need be patient and wait. Once we are reunited, we will never be separated again. No matter what the robots at CPS are able to do in the moment, no one will erase the loving bond that connects our hearts. I love you Ahmi! With every beat of my heart. I miss you and I yearn for the day I will see your beautiful face once again. Forever and Always plus One more day! I hope you smiled and laughed today! XOXO Mom

"THE THINGS I MISS"

The list is so incredibly long I don't know where to begin. I miss hearing "Good morning mom". I miss smelling her hair, brushing it out after a bath. I miss the shared giggles and her impish grin. I miss her enthusiasm, her perseverence, and witnessing her pride in her discoveries and accomplishments. I miss her curiosity and fearlessness. I miss her hugs and kisses. I miss making her chocolate chip pancakes knowing she'll eat the chocolate chips and be "full".:)(I know, no nutrition. I believe, sometimes, the memories shared are most important.) I miss reading to her and tucking her into bed at night. I miss her happiness at getting to eat a cookie occasionally in the morning. I miss her laughter and her joy. I miss her questions. I miss the quiet moments. I miss the simple knowing how her day was. If anything special has happened in her life. I guess the list is endless. I'm trying to take a little comfort from the fact that my regrets can be counted on one hand with fingers left over. I think that says something. That's what comes of spending four years, bonding, loving, and watching a child grow. There is a never ending list of things to miss but, to have so few regrets helps lighten my heart a bit. Forever and Always plus One more Day! I pray that you giggled and laughed today sweet girl! XOXO Mom

"WE DON'T GO HAND IN HAND"

I've seen a few postings from people on different sites which seem to lump foster's and SW's into an interchangeable unit. I've also seen $ mentioned as if it's some sort of an incentive for fostering. Speaking for myself, the decision to foster had nothing to do with money. I made 4x more money working at my job, than what I would ever receive in reimbursement from the state. Believe me, it's no windfall. In my case it was an empty nest that came too soon and a heart full of love that wanted to help a baby. I never thought about the workers or about the redundant bureaucracy that I would soon have to deal with. If I had known what I was in for, maybe I would have thought twice. On second thought, probably not. After all, I did have the privilege of sharing four special years with a very special little girl. The two challenges of fostering did turn out to be the parents and the workers. During your initial training class it's presented as"a united team all working together to help support and reunite families". The reality is a little more complicated. Working with the majority of my parents turned out okay. A couple were very resentful re: their situation and did tend to redirect the anger. I learned to let that roll off my back. I had nothing to do with it. I was there for the children. IMO the ones who were angry, were the ones who needed CPS intervention desperately. As for the Social Workers, two of my daughters early workers were top notch! They visited monthly, were on top of everything. They stayed with her case long term. We lost the first one only because my daughter's case was transferred into adoptions at 15 months. The other unfortunately moved away to get married. I hated saying goodbye to her. Unfortunately the majority of social workers must have heavy case loads. I don't know for sure, I never asked. However, I do know that sometimes missing paperwork took weeks to appear. I do know that required monthly visits sometimes don't happen. Phone calls weren't always returned the same day. Sometimes not even in the same week. I know SW's are very busy and I know the job is challenging, potentially overwhelming at times. You learn very quickly that the, "united team, working together" theme from the training? It's bologna! For the most part, you're on your own. Sometimes vital information isn't passed along. Yet, you're expected to manage, make do, figure it out. There are so many rules and regulations you need to follow. So many things that can get you into trouble. The licensing workers are a whole separate group involved in your life. Not to mention the children's Attys. and their Investigators. Although, Attys. seem to rotate out about every 6 months. This past Jan. was the 1st time in 4 years that I actually ever saw one of the Attys. Within this large network of people there are really no resources or support for the foster parents. There's an "omsbudsman" supposedly there for the FP. My experience, don't waste your time! It's like a bee hive. They all swarm around to protect it. The only true support was provided by a small number of foster parents who've been doing/dealing with it all for many, many years. They host the different monthly training/support groups. They're really the only ones that end up providing answers, guidance, and emotional support. Except for the 2 workers I mentioned, I never felt I was part of a team. Mostly, I felt like I took care of all the daily parts of life the workers had no time for. Nor any interest in.

"DAYTIME NIGHTMARE"

224 Awful days! This daily constant nightmare SUCKS! It seems my brain is constantly wondering (imagining) how my daughter is coping. Is she blaming herself? Does she imagine that I stopped loving her? Does she think that she did something wrong? Having personnal knowledge of the useless garbage that has come from Genny Wrocklage only adds to the torture. I have no faith at all re: the way she interacted with Ahmi. She liked to pretend she knew her. You don't get to know a child by visiting them 30-45 mins. every few months. Especially when you don't have children. Until someone is a parent, they have no clue! I firmly believe that and will until my time on Earth is done. I just can't seem to stop looking and listening. On the freeway, in the stores, whenever I'm out. I catch myself always taking a second look. I think that soon I will take leave of this place for a bit. I do know that as soon as she is old enough to figure out FB or even just searching the Internet, she will have no trouble finding me. That is the day I am looking forward to. Because on that day, others will walk in my shoes and maybe will learn something about compassion and loss. Until that day finally comes, I truly hope and pray that she is letting someone know how she's doing. Unfortunately, she does tend to keep things to herself. I hope the people she's with have figured that much out by now. Of course if they're as delusional as the SW has been,... My poor darling.
Dear Ahmi, the consistent message I've heard is "She's doing great! Over her grief, etc..." Since that comes from the mouth of a liar, it's very little comfort to me. Sweetheart I hope and pray that each day brings a little more happiness and a lot less pain in your heart. I love you sweetest girl! Always and Forever plus One more Day! I never stopped, I never could! I'm waiting for your contact. Day or night 24/7. I'm here waiting sweetie. We have so much to talk about. I love you!

"COINCIDENCE?"

Genny Wrocklage or Genny Wrecklage??

"THE CRAP SHE SPEAKS"

It was horrible enough when Genny Wrocklage gave my beloved little girl to strangers. Yet, somehow, every time she opened her mouth she managed to make it even worse! Such as her comment "She's young enough to forget about you, and go on to have a happy life." Yes, I suppose one could make that stretch and work life out the way they wished it to be. Goodness knows four year olds and babies could be comparable if we talk enough! What's four years of bonding, loving, building memories? Couldn't possibly be important enough to matter to a child who's only four! "She's a very bright child, with a lot of promise. I want to see her placed with a loving family who will help her to become all she can be." Excuse me, seeing as how we've known for quite some time just how bright she is. We also witnessed her growing into the awesome little girl she is. We saw that daily in many ways. How the hell did she come so far? She certainly didn't sit by herself in a corner and magically grow that way! No Miss Social Wrecker, that's what happens when a child has love, attention, time spent playing, reading, laughing, activities, etc...The witch tried to credit nature and DNA. She'd much rather minimize nurture and environment. Bull crap! Well considering that little girl was being starved when she first came to us, gee, I wonder how much better off her brain was back then? Also, if nature is prevalent, does that mean she's doomed to a future of prostitution and drugs? Of course not! Just one more example of a Social Wreckers mouth moving and nothing important or anything of substance being spoken! It seemed she'd say anything to minimize, and/or ignore the relationship that we shared. Proof in point, she was so negative in court re: me. She totally blew off the excellent evaluation my angel had recently undergone. Never mentioned any of the outstanding things the psychologist had said re: that eval. How impressed she was with my daughter. She never mentioned how my daughter stated that she loved me and wanted to be with me. After getting totally creamed by 2 veteran attorneys. I was devastated and standing in the hallway outside the courtroom. The Bitch had the nerve to come up to me and say, "you have to admit I was fair." I couldn't believe the gall! She's lucky we were in a courthouse! I mean she along with her two experienced attorneys,(both of whom strongly objected to the court appointing me a Lawyer.) had just torn me apart in the travesty they called a trial. She'd basically revealed her evil, lying true self to me. I understood finally that she'd stabbed me in the back. That she'd never been on my side. I'd done everything she said, including, filing for Divorce. It had got me nowhere! I still hadn't really absorbed all the lies she testified to in the courtroom. And, she's looking for compliments on how she screwed me but,"You have to admit that I was fair." Got to hand it to her, I could never be so incredibly cold hearted, evil, cluless, ballsy, ignorant...

"LIES SHE TOLD

Genny Wrocklage testified in court to the following lies; #1 "We were happy when Mr. C. moved out because we felt the marriage was a hinderance to the Adoption. We felt the adoption could now move forward." Within minutes she said "We have concerns about the child's safety if this court orders her placed back with Mrs. C." Well, which is it? BTW from Aug. 2010 until 1/5/2011 Miss Wrocklage saw my child one time, when per her request, I brought the baby to her office. Exactly how concerned was she? #2 "Red flags came up in Mrs. C. psychological testing." Really? That testing took place the summer of 2009. I was very persistent re: the results. I reasoned I had every right to know. I asked repeatedly about them. The agency said it was the Drs. responsibility to review them w/ me. The Dr. said the opposite. Back and forth it went. I did finally wonder what was up and asked my Adoptions worker if in fact, there was something wrong. He said,"Lynn if there had been anything wrong the baby would have been removed. There's just some confusion about who's responsibility it is to go over them with you." Finally a counselor I saw for a few months told me it was all about money. He took an extra hour one week to go over it with me because, as he said, "It was ridiculous that I'd been getting the run around for 2 months and I did deserve to hear the results. That day when I finally heard them, there was Nothing that alarmed me! The biggest thought I had was "hmm interesting that she picked up on that." That, happened to be, a quirk of my personality. Nothing that was alarming, dangerous, etc... So, the question is if there were so called, "red flags" how was it they never said anything about it for 16 months?? #3 "I know that you and she share a deep bond, that you are in fact her Mom. I respect that." Really, respect it so much that you mentally and emotionally traumatized her by keeping me away from her for 2 days when I filed court papers? And worst of all refused us the chance of closure? Refused us the chance to say goodbye to each other? I submit Ladies and Gentleman, Genny Wrocklage committed perjury in a court of law. I later pointed out these 3 facts(among others)to her and she never responded. Of course not, what can a liar say?

"I COULDN'T LOVE YOU MORE"

All my life, I wished for you, ever since I was a little girl. I was blessed with a son. I was much too young and immature yet, he was loved wholeheartedly. Many years passed and I'd almost accepted that I'd never have a daughter to love. Then you came into my life. A serious, beautiful tiny girl. With your eyes of an old soul, you stole my heart away. I nurtured you, sang to you, played with you, nursed you through illness. Most of all, I simply Loved you. I watched you grow and thrive. Although you didn't grow under my heart, you grew in my HEART. I loved you deeply and completely! One day an Evil Bitch, Genny Wrocklage took you away and gave you to strangers. Although she took a piece of my heart and soul, she can NEVER take our love and our bond! I'm waiting for the day my sweet girl when we WILL be reunited! I will tell you all about the magical, wonderful, brief 4 years I got to love you. I will tell you about the people who wouldn't allow us the human decency of the chance to say Goodbye! I'm waiting sweetheart! Waiting for your contact! I love you sweetest girl! Forever and Always, plus One more day!

"WAS IT TIME TO COLLECT THE BOUNTY?"

Was it? I ask myself that a lot lately. Was the time up for my daughters pay out? Is the state so desperate for money? Did Genny Wrocklage destroy 2 lives because the state needed the $4000? It's hard to see it any other way.

"IT'S ALL I HAVE"

A couple of people thought this blog wasn't a good idea. One thought among others was re: the agency and what "they" would think. Honestly, I couldn't give a CRAP! Who the hell am I trying to impress? No one! They've already destroyed my life, refused to let me say goodbye to my child, shattered my heart and my soul, shredded my self esteem, and slandered me in a Court of law. This blog is my outlet. I've written nothing but, the 100% truth. They may have lied/shut me up in all other avenues. This is one medium They have Absolutely No Control OVER! I'm not going to continue sinking into the black endless pit of despair! This blog is my attempt to reclaim my self esteem! Genny Wrocklage may have gotten away with LYING in a court of law. This is my testament! My chance to publicly say BullShit! Someone else asked me about fear re: things I'm writing about. "Fear?" There's nothing to fear when you speak/write the truth. My Dad taught me that a long time ago. I still believe it whole heartedly. No one can dispute what I've written here without exposing themselves as Liars. I'd love to get challenged in regards to this blog. I'd have the chance to defend myself and refute the lies. But, it won't happen. Because the Social Worker has already shown her true self, An Evil, back stabbing, two faced, lying BITCH! I dare them to challenge my blog! I'd welcome it!

"HOW DOES ONE JUST MOVE ON?"

The depression I've sunk into since the start of the year just seems to get deeper. Although my head knows that life must go on, my heart is shattered. It's been made so much worse by the fact, that we were denied the chance to say goodbye! There's no closure only a devastating sense of loss. Although I've begged many times, my pleas always fell on deaf ears. My role now reduced to a "former caretaker." Our deep, loving bond minimized. Apparently, the fact that my baby talked about me all the time was "a threat to what they were trying to build with her." Excuse me but, who's interests are we concerned with? The child's or the adults? If my role was so minimal, why does it matter how often she talks about me? On the other hand, why would she talk about me all the time if we didn't share a bond? Just one more example of a Social Worker speaking yet, nothing of substance coming out of her mouth. You're supposed to just accept what the worker says without argument. I'll be the first to admit, that just isn't me. My mouth combined with my emotions=trouble. Because if you display emotions, well, there must be something wrong with you. The whole system SUCKS! A broken system run by broken people if you ask me. I mean WTF? You love and nurture a child for 4 years. One day she's there, the next gone. Not even allowed to say goodbye. How the hell do you just turn and walk away? How do you not feel overwhelmed with devastating grief and anger? It's been 199 days and the pain is just as raw today as it was in Jan.

"TO THE SUBSTITUTE"

Although we haven't met, I already know I can never like or respect you. I begged over and over for the chance to say goodbye to MY sweet angel. I was told "she talks about me all the time." that somehow that was a threat for you. If it wasn't for me loving and bonding with that little girl over the past 4 years, How could she bond with anyone? She's the Awesome little girl she is because of the time and the love that we shared. If that threatens you, too Damn bad! I loved her first. Since she was a tiny baby. I have complete faith that the bond we share will remain. You're never going to erase me from her mind or her heart! When she comes looking for me for the memories only I can share with her, I'll be waiting to reclaim her. You may want to explain how jealous you were re: our bond. So much so, you wouldn't do the decent thing and allow us to say Goodbye. Something we both deserved. Because I will tell her. At this moment in time you have a piece of my heart and soul. I love that child with every beat of my heart. Every breath that I take. I could have been an Allie to you. However, the decision re: a final visit for the 2 of us now makes that impossible. I'll be waiting right here. You have a temporary place in her life. She and I will be reunited. You know nothing of her 1st 4 years. I have her scrapbooks and her baby journals. They'll be with me. The worker fit her in once every 2 to 3 months. She has nothing to fill in. My baby love will look for me one day soon. I'll be waiting with open arms! You'll be the nightmare that temporarily interrupted our lives. Great thing about the Internet, no matter where she or I are, we will be REUNITED! Sooner than you think! Count on it!

"INCOMPETENT OR SLOPPY?"

I had the misfortune to cross paths with a condescending Bitch in the Spring of 2009. You ever meet someone and within moments you dislike them? It took seconds on this occasion. "Barbie", not her real name, oozed a fake, condescending, judgmental attitude that immediately set my teeth on edge. The way she presents herself, you'd never guess the major screw up in her past that she should be VERY ashamed of! Apparently 4 or 5 years ago, she was sent out to investigate a VERY serious charge of abuse involving a parent and a 6 year old. Well apparently, Miss "professional" asks the child about the alleged abuse in front of the accused parent! Now I ask, what is the probability of a 6 yr. old child giving an honest answer with the offender sitting right there? Well, Barbie apparently closed out the complaint and went on her merry way. Problem is, the child was being subjected to horrendous abuse. Because of Barbie, not only did the child suffer an additional 3 years but, a 3 year old sibling also became a victim! I met both of these children. Both of them will suffer the rest of their lives, struggling to heal from what they suffered. If only Barbie hadn't failed them. The younger child might have been spared. The older child would have definitely been in a better place, mentally and emotionally than where they ended up!

"HEAVY HANDED"

A child was placed in our home who was 2 or 3 months from reunifying. Mom was a loving parent who'd made a bad choice. w/in a month, she was picking up her child 2x during the week and an overnight on the weekends. Mom soon asked them(court, SW)for the whole weekend. I had to call SW to confirm (I was happy for her) the SW was very neg. and difficult about adding hrs."too fast". For goodness sakes, she'd done everything, her children had been in system awhile, she always brought the child back on time, fed, etc...This Mom was 1 of only 2 parents I allowed to come to my house. Since the judge had approved it and the SW was IMO being a control freak and difficult for no good reason, we started Fri.-Sun. and 4 hrs. 3x during the week. I felt the SW was over controlling and petty. Because of things this child said and some behaviors that were being demonstrated, the Mom and I were both positive that her child had been molested by a teenager in 1 of the previous 3 homes the child had been placed in. We both reported our concerns. I also specified conversations I'd had with the child. The investigation was a joke. Over before it started. "I've asked and don't get any answers that make sense...' Maybe because, they're 4 and barely know you? While it's true the child never did open up to her, The info that both Mom and I passed on was reliable and should have been looked into more aggressively!

"THREATS, LIES, FALSE. INFORMATION"

There are a few things I learned in dealing with S. Workers and the agency in general. FACT#1. Social workers Love threats and use them excessively. Especially if you're not a good little soldier. Meaning, you fail to jump on command. Or, you may dare to disagree with something that's said and/or argue with them about something. No, no! Shame on you! Your own independent thoughts, strictly forbidden! You have forfeited your right to be a free thinking independent American citizen. FACT#2. Social Workers are Great liars! They are very capable of looking you in the eye and saying whatever they need to say in the moment. Lying to your face! Usually the lie is to shut you up and ensure they won't have to deal with you and maybe your icky emotions. When Genny Wrocklage Imposed a 2 day hold on my visiting the baby. I couldn't get a straight out answer to my question,"When can I see her?" I mean, WTF?? We'd been together everyday since she was 3 1/2 months old. I'd spent the last 4 years building a relationship of trust w/ this child. I'd always been there for her. The witch couldn't grasp where I was coming from. She got annoyed that I left her so many voice mails. Well, here's a concept B$tch, show people a little bit of courtesy and respect. Rather than blowing them off, answer their simple question and they'll leave you alone. DUH!! Because of her extreme rudeness and unprofessionalism and her subsequent busy voicemail, the bitch said in court that, "I seemed to have an unhealthy obsession with my daughter." I ask every mother reading my words, what would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Was it too much to expect a simple honest answer to my simple honest question? Since she's not a parent, I suppose she's simply incapable of understanding and/or thinking as one. Considering how my daughter reacted when I finally got to see her, It's a fact that, Genny Wrocklage inflicted severe mental and emotional torture and pain on an innocent child. She couldn't even accept responsibility for what she did. The Bitch tried to flip the blame onto my h. and I. Incredible! FACT#3. They will NEVER correct false information! If something is wrong and they write it down, even if it's proven later to be incorrect, They will never edit the original text. If they believe a scenario happened a certain way, that's how it happened, case closed! That's the way History is rewritten. Through the eyes of the CPS workers!

"SHE'S NOT A CARROT"

For a period of 9 months while my husband and I were going to counseling, working on the home study, etc... My daughter became a carrot. Anytime I questioned something, didn't agree with a worker, etc... Out came the threat,"We could just come pick her up if you want, We can just find another placement,...I lived in constant fear from Spring 2009 until that fall. One day, I was talking to a worker. I didn't like the couples counselor we'd seen a total of 3 times. His office was also 90 minutes round trip, very much out of our way. So I'd asked if we could please switch to someone closer. Right away he started, "Well if you don't want to cooperate, the baby's Atty. has serious concerns re: this placement, yada yada yada..." Well it just so happened it was our 2nd rotation with the current Investigator. I knew her and she'd had nothing but praise when she came to the house. I informed him that I was going to call and speak to her in person. He immediately starts trying to back track."Well if they decide to remove her, there won't be anything we can do..." I politely said I understood. I called her immediately, asked her if the Atty. was concerned and/or considering removal? It was news to her, she had no knowledge of the kind and asked where the info. had come from? I informed her what had been going on, about the threats I'd been dealing with, everything. She let me know she'd be looking into it first thing in the morning. Well it was the one and only time I felt the right thing had been done! I never asked what was said, but, I do know, that was the last time the baby was used as a threat! I'm sure the worker was ticked off but, I lost no sleep over it!

QUALIFICATIONS??

This SW is at least 10 years my junior, she's never had a child. Until you lie on that table and push a new life into the world, you have no clue what it means to love a child! The feeling of pure love that overtakes you, the purest love you'll ever know. Yes my son and I share DNA, he was my first and he taught me the meaning of love. He grew under my heart, my daughter grew in my heart. I love them both just the same. I wrote this quote some time ago; We give our youth and energy to our children, to theirs we give our patience and our wisdom. We lose some things as we age but, we also gain. Patience, wisdom, and knowledge from our life experiences. 3 things we only gain through the passage of time and living life. During my 20's, I thought I had all the answers. I turned 35, and realized I had no clue. Ten years later, I'm very much aware of what we lose and what we gain through the passing of time. I had my son while I was still young and foolish. I definitely appreciated and enjoyed the 2nd time around a little more thanks to these 3 gifts. IMHO These 20 something young kids with their rose colored glasses, and their dreams of saving the world, are so not qualified to make any extreme life changing decisions re: a child's life. Especially, when they can't be bothered to even visit monthly as required by law. When in fact, they hadn't been seen but, once at their office in a 6 month period! Tomorrow I'll be blogging about the overkill directed towards one Mom. Also, how a SW's incompetence/sloppy investigating, extended horrendous abuse for 2 innocent children by 3 years!!

"SHUT UP, FALL IN LINE, DO AS YOUR TOLD..."

Last night, I was thinking back on the different ways my spouse and I were dealt with by cps workers over the past two and a half years. My spouse has always been better than I at their politics; yesing them, not making waves, keeping his opinions to himself. He's always grateful for the smallest bone the worker mentions. He's hoping for a direct email at this time. His glass is always 1/2 full. I'm 100% wiser. They'll tell you anything to shut you up, look you in the eye and lie to your face, believe what they choose to believe and that's that! My damn glass is ALWAYS 1/2 empty! My spouse will leave a voicemail or send an email and be okay with waiting days, sometimes weeks for her to get back to him. The way I see it, ignoring messages is, Disrespectful, Unprofessional, and Demeaning. It say's loud and clear; I could care less what you want, it's not important to me, I'll get to it when I get to it. Aside from child molesters or rapists(who,IMO deserve no respect), no one should be treated like that. If common courtesy and respect become extinct, I think they're already endangered, where will that leave society? If a parent/s makes a mistake, has done the wrong thing, yes, by all means, protect the children and teach the parent/s. However, when did demeaning, judging, disrespecting, or threatening parents become part of helping them? What good purpose is served by shredding someone's self esteem? You want my respect, be ready to give it. I'll be the 1st to admit, any perceptions on my part of being controlled or bullied, and my inner child, fight or flight instinct is something I have be aware of and not surrender to. I have a hard time with that. There was definitely a difference in what each of us would tolerate from SW's. My personal observations were that some SW's have major control issues. There's a need to prove they're in charge. They're not above using threats to break you down, keep you in line. You best do what you're told or else! BullShit! They don't have the right to treat people like dogs, tear down people's self esteem, rip someone apart and leave them feeling worthless! That's not helping someone, that's lording over them!

"I TRUSTED TOO LONG!"

I trusted the Social Worker and the system too much and for too long! Everyone would tell me, "don't believe the worker. They lie, etc..." I would always say, "no, this one's not like that. She's on my side..." Looking back, I was too naive and too trusting. I did everything she told me to, even filed for divorce. Hoping desperately that I would get my girl back. All I hoped for was the chance to take her back to my hometown and build a new life for the two of us. My family was waiting with open arms. I guess the fact that she wouldn't return my cousins phone call should have been a clue. When she stabbed me in the back, I felt like a complete idiot. Way to go Lynn! You put your faith in someone who not only played you for a fool, you trusted someone who devastated 2 lives in the process.

I PRAY MY ANGEL ISN'T FEELING EVEN 1/4 THE PAIN I DO...

Back in Jan. after the TDM, I was informed they were going to place the baby somewhere else. I immediately filed papers with the court objecting to the removal. Genny Wrocklage imposed a 2 day period when I wasn't allowed to see my baby. She said she had to supervise the first one and that she was busy. When I finally got to visit, I sensed my daughter was upset w/ me due to the fact that she wouldn't look me in the eye when the visit started. Towards the end of the hour, she let me know for sure that she was upset with me. She began hitting towards me as I was trying to help w/ something. I started saying," I know you're angry w/ me, I understand, It's okay, I'm sorry I wasn't here for 2 days, etc..." My beautiful, innocent girl broke down crying, she said,"where were you Mommy, I needed you, you didn't come,..." The worker, who was supervising this visit, leaned over and said," remember, I told you Mommy had to finish some errands for me before she could come visit?" WHAT?! Even my 4 year old looked at her like she was insane. How the hell is a 4 year old supposed to understand that ridiculous statement? Anyone WHO'S a parent knows that to a 4 year old, the world is about them, and they're the center of the universe. I couldn't believe a so called professional would make such a RIDICULOUS statement! I would think Child Development would be a required part of their course load in college! Then she climbed into my lap saying," rock me like a baby Mommy, like you used to." I choked back my tears and sat on the floor rocking her. Adding insult to injury, the SW and I exit the building. Devastated by the stress and trauma of my child, I say something re: being sorry for her pain and my contribution to the current situation. The SW, having been present, having clearly heard the exact words my child had said, instead of owning her responsibility for the trauma and pain my child suffered those 2 days, She flipped the blame onto my h. and I!"Yes, you and Bill provided a very poor environment in recent months." Granted, it's true the first 6 months of our separation had been an adjustment, a challenge. You don't throw off 23 years of marriage overnight. However, to clarify, my daughter at no time mentioned anything but her distress during the 2 days I was absent! If 2 days had such an effect on her, it rips my heart out to imagine what my sweet girl is experiencing now. Considering I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO SAY GOODBYE TO HER!

HOW DOES ONE BEGIN TO MOVE ON?

When you Love, Nurture, Guide, Nurse, Share a child's life for 4 years, and suddenly they're ripped from your world, how do you move on? Especially when you're not even allowed to say Goodbye. When you're cut from their life like some piece of diseased flesh, as if you never shared a bond or attachment, how can one expect to move on from that experience? I was cruelly cut off from my baby's life. Not allowed any closure. How the hell am I supposed to move on and forget? Although the deep bond I share with this child was ignored, minimized, never the less, it exists. Although the emotional damage to both she and I was disregarded by the so called "child protection service workers", does that make our attachment any less real or any less important?

BEFORE AND AFTER SOCIAL WORKER

These photos are a) Before Social Worker and b) After Social Worker

ARE FEDERAL ADOPTION PAYMENTS SUPPLEMENTING BROKEN STATE BUDGETS?

One day I followed a link to the site: FightCPS.com and I read the report from a former Georgian Senator. One thing in that report stands out in my mind to this day. I think it applies to every state. All the positions that depend on the CPS agency; court personnel, therapists, Social Workers, etc... This was the 1st time it occurred to me, kids in this country are being turned into commodities. A lot of people depend on this broken system for a paycheck. If the system was fixed, maybe jobs would be lost. Where's the motivation to fix a broken system? Who's best interest is served by the current system? The support staff or the children? There's a misconception that Foster families take a large part of this money. This is not true. In San Diego, the institution gets a large amount of $ each month per child. Private homes by comparison, get a pittance. The state gets a check from the Federal Gov.($4,000)for each child adopted. A slippery slope where it's more to their benefit to adopt children out rather than doing what's best for the children?

WHAT QUALIFIES THESE INEXPERIENCED, YOUNG WOMEN?

My question is this, Why do we allow these 20 something young girls fresh out of college make such life altering decisions? With their rose colored glasses and their big dreams of saving the world. They have no clue what it means to love a child. They have no life experience, they certainly have none of the wisdom that comes through growing and the passage of time. They make their decisions and their judgements based on what? What exactly do they have to base any judgements on? This young inexperienced person was allowed to alter this child's life in a way that will effect her for the rest of her life. Because she had the power to do so. How much sense does that make?

"DISCRIMINATION!"

In March of 2011 she discriminated against me. I requested the same thing my spouse did, a visit with my baby. After she kept me waiting for 6 WEEKS, she tried to impose conditions on my visiting (that she never tried to impose on my spouse and he didn't have to wait), I was told "because of my anger towards her, No". As if my hatred towards her could ever be greater than the love for my daughter! Egotistical Bitch! DISCRIMINATION COMMITTED BY AN AGENT OF THE STATE! Trying to get justice for this has been a challenge. I will not quit however till there is some justice for myself as well as for my daughter! This social worker HAS NO children, barely knew my daughter(although, required by law to come by once a month, she NEVER was consistent) yet, was allowed to destroy her life! The previous worker came by every month, like clockwork. I never knew when Genny Wrocklage would come by. She seemed to try and fit the baby in every other month or so, if she had the time. Visiting my daughter never seemed to be a priority with her!

LIED TO AND BETRAYED!

Genny Wrecklage was the cold hearted Bitch who lied to me. She led me to believe she respected the bond I shared with my beautiful angel. She got up in court and lied throughout her testimony. She made mention of my many voice mails left for her. Yes, I simply wanted an answer as to when I could visit the baby. I'd never been away from her before. She was already stressed due to being where she was (kiddie jail). I knew she would be upset. Could the witch give me a simple answer? No, she blows me off! What the hell? Was I supposed to laugh and go out clubbing? I needed to know when I'd get to visit my girl. Yet, the courtesy of simply returning my phone call and giving me an answer was beyond her scope of competency and human decency. It was okay for her to blow me off and deny me a simple answer but, it wasn't okay for me not to accept her disrespect. They make the rules. Fall in line, accept and obey them or suffer the consequences. She led me to believe until the end that she was on my side. She stabbed me in the heart as well as, in the back. I did everything she told me to but, in the end, nothing mattered. This evil cold hearted woman wrecked two lives. She is such an EVIL, heartless person that she never even allowed me the chance to say goodbye! I wanted to reassure this innocent child that she did nothing wrong, that I love her and always will. I didn't want her burdened with any thoughts or feelings that I stopped loving her for some reason and left. She does not deserve to carry that bundle around on her shoulders or in her heart! Apparently this emotionally damaging baggage is okay with CPS, because after waiting 6 WEEKS for an answer, DENIED! I cooperated with her 100% but, it didn't matter in the end. I was eradicated from my angels life the day I lost in court, not even allowed to say goodbye! In fact, Miss Wrecklege has continually, cold heartedly turned down every plea I have made to that end! Why is it okay for Social Workers to mentally and emotionally abuse children? To inflict such trauma and devastating damage? Emotionally hurting and scarring them for life is somehow in their best interest?

AGENCY HAS DEVELOPED A GOD COMPLEX!

CPS workers are allowed to lie and distort the truth as they see it. They never correct false information. God forbid you show any emotion. That's a Big no no in their eyes. Your considered unstable if you show any kind of emotion. They love to hold "TDM's" which supposedly stand for Team Decision Meetings. Bull! They should stand for, Threaten, Demote, Meetings. Because God forbid you don't fall in step and do exactly what you're told to do. They are the Gods and there is no mercy if you don't follow their instructions to the tee! They will screw your life up completely and without mercy!

ONCE WELL MEANING, NOW BROKEN!

As a former foster parent, I'm here to tell America, the system is so absolutely broken! I think when cps was put together, it was done for all the right reasons. Now, it's filled with so much bureaucracy! There's a one size fits all mentality when it comes to their course of action. Instead of looking at the individual cases and circumstances, there seems to be one course of action for all. No looking left or right, the blinders only permit one path, one solution. Very robotic and cold. They're not about the kids any more! They totally overdo it on some cases and others are allowed to slip through the cracks! A parent allowed to continue with severe abuse for a few more years due to a Social Worker's failure! Serious, major consequences the children will now have to live and deal with for the rest of their lives. The agency is becoming a total waste of tax dollars. There is far too much bureaucracy and redundancy. There's a desperate need for checks and balances. There needs to be more transparency re: Agency policies also, with the juvenile court proceedings as well! There's an old saying re: absolute power, absolutely corrupts... We'd all be better off to remember that old saying and start paying attention. You may think that they(the parents)must deserve it, that cps is involved for some reason, yes, sometimes cps involvement is very necessary. Never the less, that doesn't mean they're above mistakes! IN SOME CASES, IN SOME SITUATIONS, THEY ARE FAILING AND FAILING MISERABLY!!

SCREWED AND BROKEN BY THE SYSTEM!

I was a licensed foster parent from 1/07-1/11 in San Diego Ca. In April of 2007 a beautiful 3 1/2 month angel was placed in our home. There were a few challenges but, we overcame them and she thrived. When she was 15 months old, bio mom lost her rights and we were asked about our interest in adopting. We began the home study but, also at this time some issues came up in our marriage so at the same time we were involved in services to address them. During this time the child continued to thrive. We both doted on her and her 2 evaluations were off the chart. She was a loving, bright, happy, curious, child who was very much loved. In Aug. 2010 my spouse moved out. Though he would continue to be a part of her life, I would be the only one allowed to adopt. Having my 23 year old marriage come to an end was difficult to accept and I spent more time than I should have during the fall focusing on that. I did end up losing the house we rented in Jan. At this time, cps took my sweet little girl(now 4 yrs.). Although I quickly (w/in 3 weeks) had taken all the steps needed to turn things around(housing,income,filed for divorce)they informed me they wouldn't be placing her back with me. We went to court. My request for an atty. was denied and 4 days later, faced with 2 veteran Attys., and lies the Social worker testified to, I lost. Just like that, she was gone from my life. I wasn't even allowed to say goodbye!