"GOOD BYE FOR NOW"

When I started this blog in July 2011, I was broken. The monsters who are in charge of the so called "Child Protective Services" in particular, Genny Wrocklage, had destroyed my world. I take responsibility for choices I made. However, that gave the witch no license to lie to my face, stab me in the back, traumatize an innocent child and worst of all, not allow us to say goodbye. Instead the bitch made decisions that were adult based. That ignored and stepped on the loving bond my sweet Ahmi girl and I shared. Her only reasoning was it threatened the substitutes. She didn't give a crap about the pain she'd cause to Ahmi! Yet, she's supposedly for "the best interests of children." The whole agency has turned into a corrupted pile of DOG CRAP! I live for the day they will be put in check! Well, I've come a long way since that summer day a year and a half ago. I'm now divorced and will have all my ex's money (the one thing he truly cares about). This blog is forever tied to the witch who lied to my face. Thanks to family court, I've found a sense of healing and peace. I know my girl will look for me. The heart doesn't forget. God brought her and I together and he won't forsake us! I just have to be patient, build my new future, and wait! Thank God for the power of the Internet! Thank you to all my readers. Putting the story out there was a big step in my healing! I miss my girl every minute of every day. I'll love her forever and always plus one more day. I know she'll look for me and I'll be waiting with open arms! If you're going through your own hell with the as$holes, I pray you find your way through. Hold tight to your self esteem! Remember, you're so much better/more than what they say. They thrive on ripping people apart. They're trash! Hopefully there will be change one day soon! Keep fighting and speaking out! I will! Don't know if this will truly be the last post. Death and taxes are the only sure things in life. If anything comes up, I will post it. For now it's time to concentrate on building my new life. Love and Thanks to all. I love you sweetest Ahmi girl. Forever and Always, plus One more Day!xoxo Mom Lynn Connearney

"LIES V. TRUTH"

As far back as I can remember, my Mother seemed to prefer lying over the truth. My third and youngest brother was born a little bit less than 2 months before I turned 7. I very clearly remember when she told me it was a boy, I didn't believe her. I was convinced she was playing a cruel trick on me since she knew how much I wanted a sister. It wasn't until I saw his diaper being changed that I knew it was true. My first words upon seeing the truth,"Take him back and trade him in for a girl." Of course we kept him. I love him very much and those words were only my childish disappointment. My adult brain thinks back on that experience and I've often asked myself, why would my first reaction be of non belief re: my Mother's words? I was almost 7 yet already I'd learned my Mother couldn't be trusted. I won't go into the details but, yes, due to cruel things she'd done and lies I'd heard her speak, I'd already discovered my Mother was mean sometimes and didn't always tell the truth. Around the same time, my 2 younger brothers and I were upstairs in my parents bedroom jumping on the bed. My Dad who was in the Living room right below us, called for us to come down. He asked each of us in turn, "were you jumping on the bed?" I answered truthfully, "yes Dad." My brothers, I suppose trying to avoid getting into trouble, both said "no." They both had to stand in the corner. I didn't because, my Dad said, "Lynn told the truth." So many years later and that lesson is still a part of me! To this day, I respect someone who speaks the truth! Truth may sometimes hurt but, it's the right way to go. ALWAYS! I hate a liar. It's the worst thing someone can do to me. If Genny Wrocklege had had the decency and self respect to be truthful with me, I in turn would have respected that. Instead she lied, stabbed me in the back, walked all over the trust I'd placed in her. That's why forever and always, IMO, she's a waste of the air she breathes. To be in her position, as far as I'm concerned, wreckers are obligated to treat people with; truth, dignity, and respect. SHE FAILED! May she rot! I love you Ahmi girl! Forever and Always, plus One more day! I pray you giggled and laughed today and that your heart is light! xxoo Mom

"HAPPY NEW YEAR"

Happiest New Year my sweetest little love! Ahmi sweet girl I hope your holiday and birthday were happy! You so greatly deserve only happiness! Every moment of every day you are in my heart and in my thoughts. Two days are approaching fast that I've anticipated with dread. The day you were taken from me. Then the day Genny Wrocklage lied and betrayed us in court before she gave you away to the substitutes. 2011 was the most difficult and challenging year I've ever faced. I must admit I was glad to see it come to an end. I've resolved to embrace all future holidays/milestones rather than to dread them. Because I've come to realize, that each one that passes, brings our possible reunion one step closer. Every night I pray that you giggled and laughed that wonderful laugh of yours that always embraced everyone around you. I also pray your pain has lessened. I don't want any burden carried upon your shoulders. You were an innocent victim of bad decisions made by 2 adults you trusted (who regrettably, let you down) and a broken corrupt system run by people who are so caught up in the fantasy of being gods they've lost all sense of their humanity. I don't know what you've been told, I need you to know there are two sides to every story and I hope to have the chance to tell you mine. I Love you now as much as I always have, as much as I always will! From this moment on, I will welcome each passing day with appreciation. I will remember for each special day we miss, we are one day closer to the reunion I dream of and look forward to. I Love you Forever and Always plus One more Day! XOXO Mom

"DEAR SWEET GIRL"

Dear Sweetest Ahmi girl, I pray you giggled and laughed today. That your heart is somewhat lighter. Even though the substitutes and Genny Wrecklage wouldn't allow us the chance to say goodbye, I just know within my heart that we will be reunited and we'll be together at Christmas again one day. For now, I wish you the Merriest Christmas and the Happiest 5th birthday! It seems like just yesterday you were 2 and claiming to be five so you could "be big like A.J and Sam". I think about you often. Do you still like Elephants? Tea parties? Flip flops? Do you still take your shoes off the 1st chance you get? Do you still silk? I miss your silks. I miss you my sweet baby love and think of you everytime I see the moon. I send a kiss and a hug to you each night before I go to bed. Be happy my sweetest girl as you so deserve to be. I love you Forever and Always plus One more Day! Till we see each other again, I hold you in my heart. XOXO Mom

"CORRECT NAMES"

One afternoon in the fall of 2010 we were at the neighborhood CVS. While I was paying, you were standing next to me doing little jumps while you waited. Suddenly you said, "Ow I hurt my vagina." The young kid behind the counter started laughing hysterically. "What did she say?" You politely repeated, "I hurt my vagina." Which set him off again. Of course you were very confused by his laughter. After all, you had hurt yourself and his reaction made no sense. As we left the store you asked me why he'd laughed when you hurt yourself. I explained to you that some people were very uncomfortable with the words "penis and vagina." I went on, "in our house we use the correct terms because it's important that you're always comfortable talking about your body. No matter what you can always come to me with any questions or problems, I'm here for you." Though we did agree that while out in public from then on, you'd tell me quietly so we'd avoid embarrassing anyone else. :) I hope those people have no hang ups re: correct names. I pray they didn't react the wrong way the first time you used the word vagina. If they have any sense they'll get over any hang ups they may have and realize that keeping children safe means encouraging open, honest communication from a young age. Just as I did with Chris years ago, I'd been following the very same philosophy with you. I hope they haven't done anything that would shame you. Just as I told you once, everyone has a body. Our bodies are special and private. No one has the right to touch you if you don't want them to. And they definitely don't have the right to do anything that scares you or feels bad. Remember, good secrets make you or someone else feel happy. Any secret that makes you unhappy or sad should be told right away. There's nothing wrong with using the correct names of our body parts. It's the adults/parents with their hang ups/issues who are wrong. I pray you giggled and laughed today little one. I love you sweetest girl. Forever and Always plus One more Day. XOXO Mom

"DEAR SUBSTITUTE part 2"

  Dear Substitute, Although we've never met, one little girl connects us. Because of your inhumane, devastating decision not to allow My daughter and I the chance to say goodbye, I can never respect you. You have no right to claim the title of "Mom". Your decision against us having closure, was in your best interests not Ahmi's. If the situation had been reversed, as a Mom myself, I can assure you I would have allowed the goodbye for Ahmi's sake. Part of being a Mother is putting your child's interests before your own petty jealousies and insecurities. I'd like you to consider this, the bond between her and I, the one that was so "threatening", that same bond allows her to bond with others. Yes, she was raised with love, attention, nurturing, patience, affection, enrichment, encouragement, etc... It's because of us that she's the Loving, Inquisitive, Joyful, Sweet, Kind, Bright, Awesome little girl that she is. Yes, I had a rotten marriage. I was/am a GREAT Mom! Obviously a better one than yourself. I put aside my feelings and arranged a visit with her B. mother. Despite having had to deal with S.  the first 15 months and to be honest, having felt relieved when she vanished. I did it for Ahmi. What will you say when she finds out you wouldn't allow her and I the chance to say goodbye? Will you be honest and tell her that you were jealous? That your feelings were more important? Nice mothering! Obviously putting her Interests before your own was something you were incapable of. Although for now you have the privilege of sharing her life, never forget I am waiting. I have constructed a well lit path for her to follow one day. If and when she searches for me, I will show the same compassion I received from you. Be assured on that day I will do everything in my power to take her from you! In fact I will not rest until I completely sever any ties between the two of you. You can do your best to erase me from her mind. Our hearts are bonded with love. You will not erase me from her heart. I have something you never will, the important years and all the memories that belong to her and I exclusively. She's going to want all of that knowledge. I'll be waiting with her baby journals and her scrapbook. Waiting to reclaim her. You should pray each night that she doesn't become a rebellious teen. If she EVER reaches out to me, I will always be her safe harbor. She always will be welcome and safe with me. I would never betray her! I'm right here, waiting. I believe the day will come...I pray you giggled and laughed today Sweetest Girl! I Love you Forever and Always plus One more Day! XOXO Mom ** Edited 12/24/2011

"THE CRAP SHE SPEAKS PART 2"

When she was 15 months old, my daughters birth Mom skipped an important court date and vanished for 2 years. At that time parental rights were terminated. A month before my daughters 3rd birthday, I received a letter from her. Basically it said, she'd got her life straightened out and she was ready to be a Mom. Although I was concerned re: her assumption and or perception of reality. As a Mom myself, I could understand her wanting to see the baby, missing her, needing to know how she was doing, etc... Once Genny Wrocklage met with her and let her know where things stood. That rights had been terminated 2 yrs. previously, that we were moving ahead with Adoption, etc... I called her and set up a meeting for the 2 of us as a prerequisite before visiting with the baby. Basically, I just wanted to discuss a happy, low-key, visit that would put the baby's emotions as the top priority. Children grow a lot between 15 months and age 3! I didn't want adult emotions to overwhelm and frighten child ones! Anyways, that night I talked with my daughter about her "Mama S." How she'd come back from a long trip, wanted to visit with her, etc... My daughter's one concern? She asked if she had to go live with her. After I reassured her that no, her home was with us, it was just a visit. She replied, "okay I would like to visit then Mom." The next afternoon I phoned and arranged to meet her at a donut shop in her neighborhood. Now, aside from being 30 mins. late, if the boundaries we'd discussed the day before had been respected, I would have been okay with a visit every 6 months or so. As a Mom, I couldn't imagine life without my son. Although, I never was (fortunately) in her position. I understand the mother love. Unfortunately, she acted in ways that would potentially confuse my daughter and bring chaos into our lives. After discussing it with my husband, I let her know that we felt it was in the baby's best interest to let her grow and develop a little more before arranging any additional visits. I let her know that I'd set up an exclusive email for communication between us and that I would send pics. 2 or 3 times a year. At that point in time, having been completely ignored on the boundaries we'd discussed and agreed on, and having been disrespected several times to my daughter. i.e. She couldn't refer to me as "your Mom or Mom" while talking to the baby. I was "her and she". At one point, my daughter gave me a questioning look. When she took it upon herself to mention holiday plans to my daughter that we had not discussed, it was clear. My daughter deserved to continue growing up with a Mom and a Dad who loved her, in the safe, secure only world she'd known for 3 yrs. After a few years, when her foundation was a little more developed and she had more of an understanding, we'd reassess things. Now, I will tie this post together. As an answer to one of my many requests for a goodbye visit, Genny Wrocklage said,"A visit isn't possible at this time, they're bonding, yadayada. Remember how you felt re: S.? Well now you're S." Okay for one thing, I shared a deep, loving bond with my daughter that only comes with daily, consistent, loving time spent together. During our private meeting, one thing I stated to S., "I respect that you carried her and gave her life." "However, 2 years is a long time at her age. You need to accept and respect, she hasn't been sitting on a shelf waiting for your return. I've been a consistent, loving, part of her life as long as she can remember. You need to be okay that I'm Mom." Since we had a history, I guess I accepted her quick agreement a little quickly myself. Second point, I very much set up the visit understanding S.'s heart and desire as a Mom myself. However, I took time to insure that A.'s best interests were number one priority. Only someone who has no clue would attempt to compare the situations!! I always acted for the good of my dau. I never put my feelings into the equation! Isn't that a Mom? Yes! A true Mom doesn't put her jealousies, insecurities, ahead of what's best for the child! IMO Someone who's incapable of that, Is not and will NEVER be a true, fit, deserving parent! I pray that you giggled and laughed today! My sweet little one Forever and Always, Plus One more Day! XOXO Mom

"THE COLD RAINY DAY AT SEAWORLD"

Do you remember our 1st trip to SeaWorld w/ Ms. Mary? It was the fall of 2009. About two months before your third birthday. That morning was gray and drizzly but, knowing Ms. Mary would still be there, we headed out. Despite the threat of stormy weather, most of the morning was rain free. Towards the end however, just as we were on the walkway overlooking the Orcas, the rain began in earnest! What a trooper you were! Ms. Mary and the 2 of us were in one of the smaller aquariums. As the downpour showed no signs of easing up, Ms. Mary and I agreed it was time to go. You volunteered to lead the way! By the time we reached the car we were soaked to the skin! Luckily, I had towels in the emergency pack in the trunk. We were able to dry off a little bit. You were such a big girl! No whining or complaining. We just laughed about the weather and headed home. On the way, I asked how hot chocolate sounded. You immediately asked, "with cream?" Since hot chocolate with whipped cream was just what that cold, stormy day called for, we made a quick stop at the store to buy some. Minutes later we got home and changed (all of our) clothes. Lunch and hot chocolate(w/ cream)turned out to be the very best way to end the morning! We made a 2nd trip four months later in the Spring. The 2nd time it was typical Southern CA weather. Even so, despite the weather, I liked our 1st visit the best! I love you sweetest girl! Forever and Always plus One more Day! I hope you smiled and laughed today! XOXO Mom

"SWINGING"

I'll never forget Ms. Mary's outdoor class (or Ms. Helen's indoor one). AKA Parent participation classes. Those were some special times for us. We definitely went to a lot of parks and places we otherwise may not have known about. We started Ms. Helen when you were 15 months old. We were in her class until you were 2 1/2. You changed SO much! It was a joy and a privilage to share that special time. You learned and grew So quickly! Then of course, Ms. Mary's. We had an awesome 2 yrs. in her outdoor classroom! I always remember one of those days and smile! You were about 3 1/2. We were walking towards the swings and I asked you if you wanted to swing together. You sat on my lap facing me and I began to pump my legs. "Higher Mom, go higher." So after making sure you held on tight, and, clasping my hands behind you. I went higher. It was a beautiful spring day, a nice gentle breeze. It almost seemed we were flying! We looked at each other and began to giggle. You leaned your head back, closed your eyes, opened them and began chuckling. "Do that Mom. It tickles your tummy. Try it." So, I did. We laughed and laughed! It's a heart memory that I'll remember always. I Love You! Forever and Always plus One More Day! I hope you giggled and laughed today sweetest girl. XOXO Mom

"TO THE BEST GIRL"

To my sweet darling girl, First I want to say how very, very sorry I am for the trauma you've been put through this year. I'm sorry I lost our home and that you had to go to that HORRIBLE place(Polinsky). I'm also extremely sorry that I told Genny Wrocklage something out of anger that I'd kept quiet about for 15 months. I never should have trusted her, should have kept it to myself and in fact, should have taken it to the grave. Opening up to her was a big part of why you weren't returned to me. That is something I regret to this day and always will. I pray every day that you aren't blaming yourself for ANYTHING! Although, at four, I fear that is in fact the case. Sweetheart if I'd been allowed to see you, I would have assured you that, Absolutely nothing that happened was your fault! Not for a minute have I stopped loving you! You could never do anything that would cause that to happen! I love and miss you so much. Always and Forever plus One more day. Do you remember how I always told you about me wishing for a little girl when I was a little girl? How you were my dream come true? That is as true today as it always was. I begged many times for the chance to see you and say goodbye. There were different excuses about why I couldn't. Once, it was "she's talking about you too much, you're a threat to what they're trying to build with her." Although I'm not sure who's interest they were thinking of, yours or theirs? Another time Genny Wrocklage said "It's obvious you're still very angry with me and I don't see that a visit would be beneficial at this time." As if my anger at her would ever be greater than my love for you. It wouldn't but, she never gave me that chance. Although she told me at one time she understood that I was your Mom. That she respected the love and bond we shared, she never respected it enough to do the decent, human thing and allow us to have the chance to say goodbye. Sweet girl I pray each day your heart is a little happier and that you don't carry any of this on your shoulders. You were/are the best little girl any parents could hope for. Life with you was a joy and a privilege. I think about you all the time and anxiously await the day we might be reunited. Until then, a piece of my heart and soul is missing. The day I see you again is when I will once again be complete. I love you beautiful girl! Forever and Always, plus One more day! I pray you smiled and laughed today my sweetest girl! XOXO Mom

"WHAT DEFINES MOM"

"The commonest fallacy among women is that simply having children makes one a mother which is as absurd as believing that having a piano makes one a musician."-Sydney J. Harris
"Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother." - Oprah Winfrey

"Mom" IMO the greatest title a Woman can have in her lifetime. Aside from growing, carrying, and giving birth to a child. I've been thinking a lot the past ten months about other ways women become "Mom". Genny Wrocklage tried to minimize the relationship I shared with my daughter. In court I was reduced to the "caretaker". For myself, the biggest issue I have re: Social Workers is, they're not parents. They have no concept of being a parent, loving a child. In turn, they can't relate, there's no empathy. They look at the world with a young, inexperienced narrow viewpoint. My son grew under my heart. After 22 excruciating hours, he entered the world. It was love at first sight! 25 years later, a tiny, beautiful little girl came into my life. With the eyes of an old soul, she just lay quietly and looked at me. I wondered what had this baby been through in her first 3 months, that she seemed to look at life through much older eyes? From that first day, she began to grow in my heart. As time passed, she grew and thrived. The bond between us grew stronger as the days turned to weeks, months, and then to years. Along the way there was, life filled with, laughter, joy, love, a tear or two, many milestones to meet, and 3 eye surgerys to conquer. I believe loving, comforting, nurturing, teaching, all that goes into caring for a baby (3 mths.-4 yrs.), are all the acts of a Mom. I love both of my children. They both will always own a piece of my heart. My son showed me the meaning of a pure, emotional, over whelming love. He taught me what it means to love a child. My daughter means the world to me. I miss her and I love her just as much today as I did in Jan. At first, so much of what Genny Wrocklage said to me or about me was devastating. It was months before I finally got mad enough to fight for my self respect and my self esteem. Thus a blog was born. Through writing I've come to realize; She's not a parent. Therefore, she's incapable of relating as one. I will no longer allow her pointless judgements, lies, or statements haunt or define me. I also realize that my little girl will look for me one day soon. I'll have a lot to share with her on that day. I just need be patient and wait. Once we are reunited, we will never be separated again. No matter what the robots at CPS are able to do in the moment, no one will erase the loving bond that connects our hearts. I love you Ahmi! With every beat of my heart. I miss you and I yearn for the day I will see your beautiful face once again. Forever and Always plus One more day! I hope you smiled and laughed today! XOXO Mom

"THE THINGS I MISS"

The list is so incredibly long I don't know where to begin. I miss hearing "Good morning mom". I miss smelling her hair, brushing it out after a bath. I miss the shared giggles and her impish grin. I miss her enthusiasm, her perseverence, and witnessing her pride in her discoveries and accomplishments. I miss her curiosity and fearlessness. I miss her hugs and kisses. I miss making her chocolate chip pancakes knowing she'll eat the chocolate chips and be "full".:)(I know, no nutrition. I believe, sometimes, the memories shared are most important.) I miss reading to her and tucking her into bed at night. I miss her happiness at getting to eat a cookie occasionally in the morning. I miss her laughter and her joy. I miss her questions. I miss the quiet moments. I miss the simple knowing how her day was. If anything special has happened in her life. I guess the list is endless. I'm trying to take a little comfort from the fact that my regrets can be counted on one hand with fingers left over. I think that says something. That's what comes of spending four years, bonding, loving, and watching a child grow. There is a never ending list of things to miss but, to have so few regrets helps lighten my heart a bit. Forever and Always plus One more Day! I pray that you giggled and laughed today sweet girl! XOXO Mom