CHILD PUNISHING SERVICE: "TO THE BEST GIRL"

CHILD PUNISHING SERVICE: "THE CRAP SHE SPEAKS"

"THE CRAP SHE SPEAKS PART 2"

When she was 15 months old, my daughters birth Mom skipped an important court date and vanished for 2 years. At that time parental rights were terminated. A month before my daughters 3rd birthday, I received a letter from her. Basically it said, she'd got her life straightened out and she was ready to be a Mom. Although I was concerned re: her assumption and or perception of reality. As a Mom myself, I could understand her wanting to see the baby, missing her, needing to know how she was doing, etc... Once Genny Wrocklage met with her and let her know where things stood. That rights had been terminated 2 yrs. previously, that we were moving ahead with Adoption, etc... I called her and set up a meeting for the 2 of us as a prerequisite before visiting with the baby. Basically, I just wanted to discuss a happy, low-key, visit that would put the baby's emotions as the top priority. Children grow a lot between 15 months and age 3! I didn't want adult emotions to overwhelm and frighten child ones! Anyways, that night I talked with my daughter about her "Mama S." How she'd come back from a long trip, wanted to visit with her, etc... My daughter's one concern? She asked if she had to go live with her. After I reassured her that no, her home was with us, it was just a visit. She replied, "okay I would like to visit then Mom." The next afternoon I phoned and arranged to meet her at a donut shop in her neighborhood. Now, aside from being 30 mins. late, if the boundaries we'd discussed the day before had been respected, I would have been okay with a visit every 6 months or so. As a Mom, I couldn't imagine life without my son. Although, I never was (fortunately) in her position. I understand the mother love. Unfortunately, she acted in ways that would potentially confuse my daughter and bring chaos into our lives. After discussing it with my husband, I let her know that we felt it was in the baby's best interest to let her grow and develop a little more before arranging any additional visits. I let her know that I'd set up an exclusive email for communication between us and that I would send pics. 2 or 3 times a year. At that point in time, having been completely ignored on the boundaries we'd discussed and agreed on, and having been disrespected several times to my daughter. i.e. She couldn't refer to me as "your Mom or Mom" while talking to the baby. I was "her and she". At one point, my daughter gave me a questioning look. When she took it upon herself to mention holiday plans to my daughter that we had not discussed, it was clear. My daughter deserved to continue growing up with a Mom and a Dad who loved her, in the safe, secure only world she'd known for 3 yrs. After a few years, when her foundation was a little more developed and she had more of an understanding, we'd reassess things. Now, I will tie this post together. As an answer to one of my many requests for a goodbye visit, Genny Wrocklage said,"A visit isn't possible at this time, they're bonding, yadayada. Remember how you felt re: S.? Well now you're S." Okay for one thing, I shared a deep, loving bond with my daughter that only comes with daily, consistent, loving time spent together. During our private meeting, one thing I stated to S., "I respect that you carried her and gave her life." "However, 2 years is a long time at her age. You need to accept and respect, she hasn't been sitting on a shelf waiting for your return. I've been a consistent, loving, part of her life as long as she can remember. You need to be okay that I'm Mom." Since we had a history, I guess I accepted her quick agreement a little quickly myself. Second point, I very much set up the visit understanding S.'s heart and desire as a Mom myself. However, I took time to insure that A.'s best interests were number one priority. Only someone who has no clue would attempt to compare the situations!! I always acted for the good of my dau. I never put my feelings into the equation! Isn't that a Mom? Yes! A true Mom doesn't put her jealousies, insecurities, ahead of what's best for the child! IMO Someone who's incapable of that, Is not and will NEVER be a true, fit, deserving parent! I pray that you giggled and laughed today! My sweet little one Forever and Always, Plus One more Day! XOXO Mom

"FLYING TO BOSTON"

August of 2009 we traveled to Boston for the 2nd time. Big difference between 10 months and 30 months! Traveled much lighter this time! Lol! You were old enough to understand vacation which was awesome! The 1st day or 2 of our 1st trip were difficult for you. I'm sure it was a combination of; jet lag, strange place, strangers, confusion. You were okay after a bit. It was just something new. This time, you were recently out of diapers! Which was awesome! Even though we had about 15 mins. between each potty break, No accidents! We took a nonstop red eye, you were sound asleep w/in mins. of take off. Unlike myself, you were able to sleep most of the flight there. Just one of the many perks of being a child! Anyways, the part that stands out for me, even now; Early the next morning, we were descending into Boston. The Captain was making the standard,"welcome to Boston, weather here is..., Thanks for flying w/ us, etc...speech." Just as you began waking up. Suddenly you turned to me and said,"Mommy that man's bothering me. Could you please ask him to be quiet?" I couldn't help but laugh! After checking into the hotel, we discovered the bed requested for you was unavailable. Thankfully this was remedied w/ a chaise and ottomen in the room. We put them together and voila! Perfect instant bed! Although we only stayed a short time, we actually did a lot of visiting. In addition to a baby shower at my cousin Lori's house, a reunion cookout at Prospect Hill park,"the woods".** You LOVED "going for a walk in the woods w /Daddy!" Swimming in the hotel pool w/ Daddy was also a favorite activity! On our last full day, we managed a trip into Boston to the children's museum. Not bad for 6 days! I was so proud for everyone to meet you and see what a wonderful child you were! I love you sweet Ahmi girl! Forever and Always plus One more Day! I hope you giggled and laughed today! XOXO Mom ** Edited: 12/26/11

"THE EYES HAVE IT"

I began taking you to the eye Dr. when you were approx. 4-5 months old for excessive tearing. Unfortunately you were a few months past a year when blocked tear ducts was finally diagnosed. Luckily you'd never had an infection or any goopy drainage. Just Lots of tears from one side. Too late for facial massage to try and open them. Although I did try hoping it might work. The appt. was made for your 1st out patient procedure. We took you in early to Children's and even though I was so worried I forgot your "B and blankie" at home, everything went well. We had a quick talk with the Dr. and the Anesthesiologist and they whisked you away so quickly, there were no tears. Well everything went as expected and we were home w/in 4 hours. Except for the normal nasal discharge over the next 24 hours we assumed that was behind us. Unfortunately, w/in 6 months the symptoms returned. For the 2nd procedure, they would put tubes into your ducts. Planning to leave them in for 6 months and hopefully that would allow them to remain open after the removal. Once again we went in early. This time I remembered your B and blanket! Once again the surgery went as expected. The hardest part for me was seeing the IV in your little hand when we were allowed back in recovery. I had to turn away so you wouldn't see my tears. They had covered it up with a towel but, you weren't fooled! "Take it off" you told the nurse. Trying to distract you, she said, "now don't take that home okay." You gave her such a look! Your look said loud and clear, "Are you crazy? I don't want to take it home. I want it off right now!." Luckily, we were able to distract you long enough till the fluid was gone and they finally removed it. After you had some juice we were able to go home. 24 hours of nasal discharge and you were good to go! Well, 5 days later we were on our way home from the B's, Apparently, while rubbing your eye, one tube was pulled out. I looked back and saw it hanging. That was a slight panic! Lol! Made it home. Called the Drs. office and was told to cover that eye w/ gauze and bring you in 1st thing in the a.m. Cover an almost 2 yr olds eye with gauze and tape! There's an experience! Well, they ended up having to pull it. Too much of the tube was out already. So, hoping for the best, we left the office w/ the 1 remaining tube. That one lasted 28 days! Dr. Bansel had hoped they'd be in longer but, she was optimistic that maybe it might have been enough time. Within 6 months unfortunately, the symptoms returned. The 3rd surgery consisted of the Dr. inserting a balloon and inflating it enough to hopefully clear out any and all blockage once and for all. This time there was a delay of a few hours before your surgery. I felt so bad for you. You wanted a drink and something to eat. Although, I understood where you were coming from, you weren't allowed anything. Luckily, we made it through and you were finally taken in. When I was allowed back into recovery, I was relieved there was no nasal discharge! So approx. 7 hours later we left the hospital. A quick stop for a happy meal, and home to rest. When we went in for your follow up, thank goodness it seemed to finally be taken care of. When Dr. Bansel mentioned that any further treatment would consist of Cortizone shots to the area. I made a mental note that wouldn't happen! You'd already been through enough! Luckily when I discussed it with Dr. Park, she agreed. We decided if necessary, we'd wait until you were a little older and shunts would be put in. However, in the end it was moot. Although, a few months later you said your eye was "crying" we gave it a few days and luckily, it stopped! I love you sweet girl! Forever and Always plus One more day! I pray you smiled and laughed today! XOXO Mom

"THE COLD RAINY DAY AT SEAWORLD"

Do you remember our 1st trip to SeaWorld w/ Ms. Mary? It was the fall of 2009. About two months before your third birthday. That morning was gray and drizzly but, knowing Ms. Mary would still be there, we headed out. Despite the threat of stormy weather, most of the morning was rain free. Towards the end however, just as we were on the walkway overlooking the Orcas, the rain began in earnest! What a trooper you were! Ms. Mary and the 2 of us were in one of the smaller aquariums. As the downpour showed no signs of easing up, Ms. Mary and I agreed it was time to go. You volunteered to lead the way! By the time we reached the car we were soaked to the skin! Luckily, I had towels in the emergency pack in the trunk. We were able to dry off a little bit. You were such a big girl! No whining or complaining. We just laughed about the weather and headed home. On the way, I asked how hot chocolate sounded. You immediately asked, "with cream?" Since hot chocolate with whipped cream was just what that cold, stormy day called for, we made a quick stop at the store to buy some. Minutes later we got home and changed (all of our) clothes. Lunch and hot chocolate(w/ cream)turned out to be the very best way to end the morning! We made a 2nd trip four months later in the Spring. The 2nd time it was typical Southern CA weather. Even so, despite the weather, I liked our 1st visit the best! I love you sweetest girl! Forever and Always plus One more Day! I hope you smiled and laughed today! XOXO Mom

"SWINGING"

I'll never forget Ms. Mary's outdoor class (or Ms. Helen's indoor one). AKA Parent participation classes. Those were some special times for us. We definitely went to a lot of parks and places we otherwise may not have known about. We started Ms. Helen when you were 15 months old. We were in her class until you were 2 1/2. You changed SO much! It was a joy and a privilage to share that special time. You learned and grew So quickly! Then of course, Ms. Mary's. We had an awesome 2 yrs. in her outdoor classroom! I always remember one of those days and smile! You were about 3 1/2. We were walking towards the swings and I asked you if you wanted to swing together. You sat on my lap facing me and I began to pump my legs. "Higher Mom, go higher." So after making sure you held on tight, and, clasping my hands behind you. I went higher. It was a beautiful spring day, a nice gentle breeze. It almost seemed we were flying! We looked at each other and began to giggle. You leaned your head back, closed your eyes, opened them and began chuckling. "Do that Mom. It tickles your tummy. Try it." So, I did. We laughed and laughed! It's a heart memory that I'll remember always. I Love You! Forever and Always plus One More Day! I hope you giggled and laughed today sweetest girl. XOXO Mom

"TO THE BEST GIRL"

To my sweet darling girl, First I want to say how very, very sorry I am for the trauma you've been put through this year. I'm sorry I lost our home and that you had to go to that HORRIBLE place(Polinsky). I'm also extremely sorry that I told Genny Wrocklage something out of anger that I'd kept quiet about for 15 months. I never should have trusted her, should have kept it to myself and in fact, should have taken it to the grave. Opening up to her was a big part of why you weren't returned to me. That is something I regret to this day and always will. I pray every day that you aren't blaming yourself for ANYTHING! Although, at four, I fear that is in fact the case. Sweetheart if I'd been allowed to see you, I would have assured you that, Absolutely nothing that happened was your fault! Not for a minute have I stopped loving you! You could never do anything that would cause that to happen! I love and miss you so much. Always and Forever plus One more day. Do you remember how I always told you about me wishing for a little girl when I was a little girl? How you were my dream come true? That is as true today as it always was. I begged many times for the chance to see you and say goodbye. There were different excuses about why I couldn't. Once, it was "she's talking about you too much, you're a threat to what they're trying to build with her." Although I'm not sure who's interest they were thinking of, yours or theirs? Another time Genny Wrocklage said "It's obvious you're still very angry with me and I don't see that a visit would be beneficial at this time." As if my anger at her would ever be greater than my love for you. It wouldn't but, she never gave me that chance. Although she told me at one time she understood that I was your Mom. That she respected the love and bond we shared, she never respected it enough to do the decent, human thing and allow us to have the chance to say goodbye. Sweet girl I pray each day your heart is a little happier and that you don't carry any of this on your shoulders. You were/are the best little girl any parents could hope for. Life with you was a joy and a privilege. I think about you all the time and anxiously await the day we might be reunited. Until then, a piece of my heart and soul is missing. The day I see you again is when I will once again be complete. I love you beautiful girl! Forever and Always, plus One more day! I pray you smiled and laughed today my sweetest girl! XOXO Mom

"WHAT DEFINES MOM"

"The commonest fallacy among women is that simply having children makes one a mother which is as absurd as believing that having a piano makes one a musician."-Sydney J. Harris
"Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother." - Oprah Winfrey

"Mom" IMO the greatest title a Woman can have in her lifetime. Aside from growing, carrying, and giving birth to a child. I've been thinking a lot the past ten months about other ways women become "Mom". Genny Wrocklage tried to minimize the relationship I shared with my daughter. In court I was reduced to the "caretaker". For myself, the biggest issue I have re: Social Workers is, they're not parents. They have no concept of being a parent, loving a child. In turn, they can't relate, there's no empathy. They look at the world with a young, inexperienced narrow viewpoint. My son grew under my heart. After 22 excruciating hours, he entered the world. It was love at first sight! 25 years later, a tiny, beautiful little girl came into my life. With the eyes of an old soul, she just lay quietly and looked at me. I wondered what had this baby been through in her first 3 months, that she seemed to look at life through much older eyes? From that first day, she began to grow in my heart. As time passed, she grew and thrived. The bond between us grew stronger as the days turned to weeks, months, and then to years. Along the way there was, life filled with, laughter, joy, love, a tear or two, many milestones to meet, and 3 eye surgerys to conquer. I believe loving, comforting, nurturing, teaching, all that goes into caring for a baby (3 mths.-4 yrs.), are all the acts of a Mom. I love both of my children. They both will always own a piece of my heart. My son showed me the meaning of a pure, emotional, over whelming love. He taught me what it means to love a child. My daughter means the world to me. I miss her and I love her just as much today as I did in Jan. At first, so much of what Genny Wrocklage said to me or about me was devastating. It was months before I finally got mad enough to fight for my self respect and my self esteem. Thus a blog was born. Through writing I've come to realize; She's not a parent. Therefore, she's incapable of relating as one. I will no longer allow her pointless judgements, lies, or statements haunt or define me. I also realize that my little girl will look for me one day soon. I'll have a lot to share with her on that day. I just need be patient and wait. Once we are reunited, we will never be separated again. No matter what the robots at CPS are able to do in the moment, no one will erase the loving bond that connects our hearts. I love you Ahmi! With every beat of my heart. I miss you and I yearn for the day I will see your beautiful face once again. Forever and Always plus One more day! I hope you smiled and laughed today! XOXO Mom