"THE THINGS I MISS"

The list is so incredibly long I don't know where to begin. I miss hearing "Good morning mom". I miss smelling her hair, brushing it out after a bath. I miss the shared giggles and her impish grin. I miss her enthusiasm, her perseverence, and witnessing her pride in her discoveries and accomplishments. I miss her curiosity and fearlessness. I miss her hugs and kisses. I miss making her chocolate chip pancakes knowing she'll eat the chocolate chips and be "full".:)(I know, no nutrition. I believe, sometimes, the memories shared are most important.) I miss reading to her and tucking her into bed at night. I miss her happiness at getting to eat a cookie occasionally in the morning. I miss her laughter and her joy. I miss her questions. I miss the quiet moments. I miss the simple knowing how her day was. If anything special has happened in her life. I guess the list is endless. I'm trying to take a little comfort from the fact that my regrets can be counted on one hand with fingers left over. I think that says something. That's what comes of spending four years, bonding, loving, and watching a child grow. There is a never ending list of things to miss but, to have so few regrets helps lighten my heart a bit. Forever and Always plus One more Day! I pray that you giggled and laughed today sweet girl! XOXO Mom

"WE DON'T GO HAND IN HAND"

I've seen a few postings from people on different sites which seem to lump foster's and SW's into an interchangeable unit. I've also seen $ mentioned as if it's some sort of an incentive for fostering. Speaking for myself, the decision to foster had nothing to do with money. I made 4x more money working at my job, than what I would ever receive in reimbursement from the state. Believe me, it's no windfall. In my case it was an empty nest that came too soon and a heart full of love that wanted to help a baby. I never thought about the workers or about the redundant bureaucracy that I would soon have to deal with. If I had known what I was in for, maybe I would have thought twice. On second thought, probably not. After all, I did have the privilege of sharing four special years with a very special little girl. The two challenges of fostering did turn out to be the parents and the workers. During your initial training class it's presented as"a united team all working together to help support and reunite families". The reality is a little more complicated. Working with the majority of my parents turned out okay. A couple were very resentful re: their situation and did tend to redirect the anger. I learned to let that roll off my back. I had nothing to do with it. I was there for the children. IMO the ones who were angry, were the ones who needed CPS intervention desperately. As for the Social Workers, two of my daughters early workers were top notch! They visited monthly, were on top of everything. They stayed with her case long term. We lost the first one only because my daughter's case was transferred into adoptions at 15 months. The other unfortunately moved away to get married. I hated saying goodbye to her. Unfortunately the majority of social workers must have heavy case loads. I don't know for sure, I never asked. However, I do know that sometimes missing paperwork took weeks to appear. I do know that required monthly visits sometimes don't happen. Phone calls weren't always returned the same day. Sometimes not even in the same week. I know SW's are very busy and I know the job is challenging, potentially overwhelming at times. You learn very quickly that the, "united team, working together" theme from the training? It's bologna! For the most part, you're on your own. Sometimes vital information isn't passed along. Yet, you're expected to manage, make do, figure it out. There are so many rules and regulations you need to follow. So many things that can get you into trouble. The licensing workers are a whole separate group involved in your life. Not to mention the children's Attys. and their Investigators. Although, Attys. seem to rotate out about every 6 months. This past Jan. was the 1st time in 4 years that I actually ever saw one of the Attys. Within this large network of people there are really no resources or support for the foster parents. There's an "omsbudsman" supposedly there for the FP. My experience, don't waste your time! It's like a bee hive. They all swarm around to protect it. The only true support was provided by a small number of foster parents who've been doing/dealing with it all for many, many years. They host the different monthly training/support groups. They're really the only ones that end up providing answers, guidance, and emotional support. Except for the 2 workers I mentioned, I never felt I was part of a team. Mostly, I felt like I took care of all the daily parts of life the workers had no time for. Nor any interest in.

"DAYTIME NIGHTMARE"

224 Awful days! This daily constant nightmare SUCKS! It seems my brain is constantly wondering (imagining) how my daughter is coping. Is she blaming herself? Does she imagine that I stopped loving her? Does she think that she did something wrong? Having personnal knowledge of the useless garbage that has come from Genny Wrocklage only adds to the torture. I have no faith at all re: the way she interacted with Ahmi. She liked to pretend she knew her. You don't get to know a child by visiting them 30-45 mins. every few months. Especially when you don't have children. Until someone is a parent, they have no clue! I firmly believe that and will until my time on Earth is done. I just can't seem to stop looking and listening. On the freeway, in the stores, whenever I'm out. I catch myself always taking a second look. I think that soon I will take leave of this place for a bit. I do know that as soon as she is old enough to figure out FB or even just searching the Internet, she will have no trouble finding me. That is the day I am looking forward to. Because on that day, others will walk in my shoes and maybe will learn something about compassion and loss. Until that day finally comes, I truly hope and pray that she is letting someone know how she's doing. Unfortunately, she does tend to keep things to herself. I hope the people she's with have figured that much out by now. Of course if they're as delusional as the SW has been,... My poor darling.
Dear Ahmi, the consistent message I've heard is "She's doing great! Over her grief, etc..." Since that comes from the mouth of a liar, it's very little comfort to me. Sweetheart I hope and pray that each day brings a little more happiness and a lot less pain in your heart. I love you sweetest girl! Always and Forever plus One more Day! I never stopped, I never could! I'm waiting for your contact. Day or night 24/7. I'm here waiting sweetie. We have so much to talk about. I love you!

"COINCIDENCE?"

Genny Wrocklage or Genny Wrecklage??

"THE CRAP SHE SPEAKS"

It was horrible enough when Genny Wrocklage gave my beloved little girl to strangers. Yet, somehow, every time she opened her mouth she managed to make it even worse! Such as her comment "She's young enough to forget about you, and go on to have a happy life." Yes, I suppose one could make that stretch and work life out the way they wished it to be. Goodness knows four year olds and babies could be comparable if we talk enough! What's four years of bonding, loving, building memories? Couldn't possibly be important enough to matter to a child who's only four! "She's a very bright child, with a lot of promise. I want to see her placed with a loving family who will help her to become all she can be." Excuse me, seeing as how we've known for quite some time just how bright she is. We also witnessed her growing into the awesome little girl she is. We saw that daily in many ways. How the hell did she come so far? She certainly didn't sit by herself in a corner and magically grow that way! No Miss Social Wrecker, that's what happens when a child has love, attention, time spent playing, reading, laughing, activities, etc...The witch tried to credit nature and DNA. She'd much rather minimize nurture and environment. Bull crap! Well considering that little girl was being starved when she first came to us, gee, I wonder how much better off her brain was back then? Also, if nature is prevalent, does that mean she's doomed to a future of prostitution and drugs? Of course not! Just one more example of a Social Wreckers mouth moving and nothing important or anything of substance being spoken! It seemed she'd say anything to minimize, and/or ignore the relationship that we shared. Proof in point, she was so negative in court re: me. She totally blew off the excellent evaluation my angel had recently undergone. Never mentioned any of the outstanding things the psychologist had said re: that eval. How impressed she was with my daughter. She never mentioned how my daughter stated that she loved me and wanted to be with me. After getting totally creamed by 2 veteran attorneys. I was devastated and standing in the hallway outside the courtroom. The Bitch had the nerve to come up to me and say, "you have to admit I was fair." I couldn't believe the gall! She's lucky we were in a courthouse! I mean she along with her two experienced attorneys,(both of whom strongly objected to the court appointing me a Lawyer.) had just torn me apart in the travesty they called a trial. She'd basically revealed her evil, lying true self to me. I understood finally that she'd stabbed me in the back. That she'd never been on my side. I'd done everything she said, including, filing for Divorce. It had got me nowhere! I still hadn't really absorbed all the lies she testified to in the courtroom. And, she's looking for compliments on how she screwed me but,"You have to admit that I was fair." Got to hand it to her, I could never be so incredibly cold hearted, evil, cluless, ballsy, ignorant...