"HAVE CHILDREN BECOME THE STATES SECRET BOUNTY?"

The Federal Government does pay the state a set bounty on each child adopted from the system. There's also an Adoption Assistance Payment paid to the family each month until the child turns 18. There's also a one time $10,000 tax credit. In fact, we were told during our home study, We qualified for the AAP. That our daughter was considered special needs simply because she was in the system! Even though, we'd raised her from 3 months and her verbal and math skills had scored at a 6/7 year old level before she was even 4! Anyways, the other day the subject of the bounty came up. I began to think and wonder about the children adopted from the system, and the $$ paid out to each of the 50 states. If IRC, it's $4,000 per child.(Disabled children somewhat higher) Three questions came to mind; How many children are adopted each year per state? How much $ does each state receive? How is it recorded and spent? I guess the answers to my questions exist somewhere. If it's public knowledge? I have no idea where the information might be obtained. I believe the Clinton administration had the best intentions when signing the Adoption and Safe Families Act in 1997. When parents can't get it together and get their children back in a timely manner, their children do deserve a loving, stable home. No child should grow up in the system. However, I think they made a huge mistake including the financial incentives/payouts to the State as part of the final law. After all, if "money is the root of all evil", what has been bred the last 15 years within the "CPS" Agency we know today? Considering how much disrespect and degragation parents are shown, is there any interest/incentive in preserving families? In the past year I've asked myself one question many times. How does disrespecting and demeaning parents help to strenghten and reunite families? I know from personal experience that dealing with the system completely strips away someones self esteem. You feel like a complete piece of crap by the time they're done with you. It seems all they want is to have complete control over you and your life. God forbid you don't fall to your knees and do everything they say, exactly how they say to, when they say to do it. I believe the politicians need to try again. IMO, The financial incentives/payments to the State need to be removed from the law. Seems to me, the money has only succeeded in breeding corruption and abuse within a broken system. Power in the wrong hands that is completely out of control! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adoption_and_Safe_Families_Act

"ONE DAY WE'LL BE REUNITED"

Each night before I close my eyes, I pray you laughed and giggled that day. I'll never forget the 1st time I saw you. 12lbs, a tiny little one. I would put you in the snuggly, and use my knit cape to keep you warm. A gorgeous, black, full head of hair. You had more hair at 3 1/2 mths than a lot of 2 year olds have even grown in 2 yrs. Big, beautiful, dark eyes. The eyes of an old soul! I was very curious of why the sweetest little china doll baby girl was watching me with eyes of an old, old soul. What life experiences could you possibly have been through during the brief moment in time since your birth? Do you remember your Barney? We got you your 1st one w/in 10 days of your arrival. The visiting Nurse who came once a month your 1st year suggested a lovey to comfort you during any moments of stress. When you 1st came, any time you were distressed, i.e.bath time, diaper change,... You would pull your hair so hard it would stand straight out from the sides of your head. I tried putting socks on your hands until I could ask the Nurse. Miss Donna thought you were doing it as a self comforting attempt. So Barney became an important part of your life during the next 2 1/2 yrs. I would rub the silky side up and down your arm, leg, belly,...You were attached and redirected rather quickly. You loved it being stroked gently all over your face, lips, tip of nose, especially when you were tired. You would grow and name it "silking". I think there were 3 Barneys altogether. We got an extra after almost losing Barney #1. Then we got you another when the fleece side wasn't so fluffy anymore. You always preferred the original! Lol! Between the ages 2-3, every morning you'd come in my bedroom w/ your b., blanket, and Barney. "Here's Ahmi and her 3 B's.." was our saying back then. There was a brief time when I'd have to sneak him in the washer although, you always agreed that he smelt better after a wash and dry. Lol! From the very first day of your arrival you stole my heart. Your sweet laughter filled our hearts and the house with joy. One day I pray we'll be reunited. I will once again wrap my arms around you and I hope you'll be at home. I pray you giggled and laughed today my sweetest Ahmi girl. I Love you Forever and Always plus One more Day!! XOXO Mom **Edited 12/24/2011

"DEAR SWEET GIRL"

Dear Sweetest Ahmi girl, I pray you giggled and laughed today. That your heart is somewhat lighter. Even though the substitutes and Genny Wrecklage wouldn't allow us the chance to say goodbye, I just know within my heart that we will be reunited and we'll be together at Christmas again one day. For now, I wish you the Merriest Christmas and the Happiest 5th birthday! It seems like just yesterday you were 2 and claiming to be five so you could "be big like A.J and Sam". I think about you often. Do you still like Elephants? Tea parties? Flip flops? Do you still take your shoes off the 1st chance you get? Do you still silk? I miss your silks. I miss you my sweet baby love and think of you everytime I see the moon. I send a kiss and a hug to you each night before I go to bed. Be happy my sweetest girl as you so deserve to be. I love you Forever and Always plus One more Day! Till we see each other again, I hold you in my heart. XOXO Mom

"TO THE BEST GIRL"

To my sweet darling girl, First I want to say how very, very sorry I am for the trauma you've been put through this year. I'm sorry I lost our home and that you had to go to that HORRIBLE place(Polinsky). I'm also extremely sorry that I told Genny Wrocklage something out of anger that I'd kept quiet about for 15 months. I never should have trusted her, should have kept it to myself and in fact, should have taken it to the grave. Opening up to her was a big part of why you weren't returned to me. That is something I regret to this day and always will. I pray every day that you aren't blaming yourself for ANYTHING! Although, at four, I fear that is in fact the case. Sweetheart if I'd been allowed to see you, I would have assured you that, Absolutely nothing that happened was your fault! Not for a minute have I stopped loving you! You could never do anything that would cause that to happen! I love and miss you so much. Always and Forever plus One more day. Do you remember how I always told you about me wishing for a little girl when I was a little girl? How you were my dream come true? That is as true today as it always was. I begged many times for the chance to see you and say goodbye. There were different excuses about why I couldn't. Once, it was "she's talking about you too much, you're a threat to what they're trying to build with her." Although I'm not sure who's interest they were thinking of, yours or theirs? Another time Genny Wrocklage said "It's obvious you're still very angry with me and I don't see that a visit would be beneficial at this time." As if my anger at her would ever be greater than my love for you. It wouldn't but, she never gave me that chance. Although she told me at one time she understood that I was your Mom. That she respected the love and bond we shared, she never respected it enough to do the decent, human thing and allow us to have the chance to say goodbye. Sweet girl I pray each day your heart is a little happier and that you don't carry any of this on your shoulders. You were/are the best little girl any parents could hope for. Life with you was a joy and a privilege. I think about you all the time and anxiously await the day we might be reunited. Until then, a piece of my heart and soul is missing. The day I see you again is when I will once again be complete. I love you beautiful girl! Forever and Always, plus One more day! I pray you smiled and laughed today my sweetest girl! XOXO Mom

"WHAT DEFINES MOM"

"The commonest fallacy among women is that simply having children makes one a mother which is as absurd as believing that having a piano makes one a musician."-Sydney J. Harris
"Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother." - Oprah Winfrey

"Mom" IMO the greatest title a Woman can have in her lifetime. Aside from growing, carrying, and giving birth to a child. I've been thinking a lot the past ten months about other ways women become "Mom". Genny Wrocklage tried to minimize the relationship I shared with my daughter. In court I was reduced to the "caretaker". For myself, the biggest issue I have re: Social Workers is, they're not parents. They have no concept of being a parent, loving a child. In turn, they can't relate, there's no empathy. They look at the world with a young, inexperienced narrow viewpoint. My son grew under my heart. After 22 excruciating hours, he entered the world. It was love at first sight! 25 years later, a tiny, beautiful little girl came into my life. With the eyes of an old soul, she just lay quietly and looked at me. I wondered what had this baby been through in her first 3 months, that she seemed to look at life through much older eyes? From that first day, she began to grow in my heart. As time passed, she grew and thrived. The bond between us grew stronger as the days turned to weeks, months, and then to years. Along the way there was, life filled with, laughter, joy, love, a tear or two, many milestones to meet, and 3 eye surgerys to conquer. I believe loving, comforting, nurturing, teaching, all that goes into caring for a baby (3 mths.-4 yrs.), are all the acts of a Mom. I love both of my children. They both will always own a piece of my heart. My son showed me the meaning of a pure, emotional, over whelming love. He taught me what it means to love a child. My daughter means the world to me. I miss her and I love her just as much today as I did in Jan. At first, so much of what Genny Wrocklage said to me or about me was devastating. It was months before I finally got mad enough to fight for my self respect and my self esteem. Thus a blog was born. Through writing I've come to realize; She's not a parent. Therefore, she's incapable of relating as one. I will no longer allow her pointless judgements, lies, or statements haunt or define me. I also realize that my little girl will look for me one day soon. I'll have a lot to share with her on that day. I just need be patient and wait. Once we are reunited, we will never be separated again. No matter what the robots at CPS are able to do in the moment, no one will erase the loving bond that connects our hearts. I love you Ahmi! With every beat of my heart. I miss you and I yearn for the day I will see your beautiful face once again. Forever and Always plus One more day! I hope you smiled and laughed today! XOXO Mom

"I COULDN'T LOVE YOU MORE"

All my life, I wished for you, ever since I was a little girl. I was blessed with a son. I was much too young and immature yet, he was loved wholeheartedly. Many years passed and I'd almost accepted that I'd never have a daughter to love. Then you came into my life. A serious, beautiful tiny girl. With your eyes of an old soul, you stole my heart away. I nurtured you, sang to you, played with you, nursed you through illness. Most of all, I simply Loved you. I watched you grow and thrive. Although you didn't grow under my heart, you grew in my HEART. I loved you deeply and completely! One day an Evil Bitch, Genny Wrocklage took you away and gave you to strangers. Although she took a piece of my heart and soul, she can NEVER take our love and our bond! I'm waiting for the day my sweet girl when we WILL be reunited! I will tell you all about the magical, wonderful, brief 4 years I got to love you. I will tell you about the people who wouldn't allow us the human decency of the chance to say Goodbye! I'm waiting sweetheart! Waiting for your contact! I love you sweetest girl! Forever and Always, plus One more day!

"TO THE SUBSTITUTE"

Although we haven't met, I already know I can never like or respect you. I begged over and over for the chance to say goodbye to MY sweet angel. I was told "she talks about me all the time." that somehow that was a threat for you. If it wasn't for me loving and bonding with that little girl over the past 4 years, How could she bond with anyone? She's the Awesome little girl she is because of the time and the love that we shared. If that threatens you, too Damn bad! I loved her first. Since she was a tiny baby. I have complete faith that the bond we share will remain. You're never going to erase me from her mind or her heart! When she comes looking for me for the memories only I can share with her, I'll be waiting to reclaim her. You may want to explain how jealous you were re: our bond. So much so, you wouldn't do the decent thing and allow us to say Goodbye. Something we both deserved. Because I will tell her. At this moment in time you have a piece of my heart and soul. I love that child with every beat of my heart. Every breath that I take. I could have been an Allie to you. However, the decision re: a final visit for the 2 of us now makes that impossible. I'll be waiting right here. You have a temporary place in her life. She and I will be reunited. You know nothing of her 1st 4 years. I have her scrapbooks and her baby journals. They'll be with me. The worker fit her in once every 2 to 3 months. She has nothing to fill in. My baby love will look for me one day soon. I'll be waiting with open arms! You'll be the nightmare that temporarily interrupted our lives. Great thing about the Internet, no matter where she or I are, we will be REUNITED! Sooner than you think! Count on it!