"THE CRAP SHE SPEAKS PART 2"

When she was 15 months old, my daughters birth Mom skipped an important court date and vanished for 2 years. At that time parental rights were terminated. A month before my daughters 3rd birthday, I received a letter from her. Basically it said, she'd got her life straightened out and she was ready to be a Mom. Although I was concerned re: her assumption and or perception of reality. As a Mom myself, I could understand her wanting to see the baby, missing her, needing to know how she was doing, etc... Once Genny Wrocklage met with her and let her know where things stood. That rights had been terminated 2 yrs. previously, that we were moving ahead with Adoption, etc... I called her and set up a meeting for the 2 of us as a prerequisite before visiting with the baby. Basically, I just wanted to discuss a happy, low-key, visit that would put the baby's emotions as the top priority. Children grow a lot between 15 months and age 3! I didn't want adult emotions to overwhelm and frighten child ones! Anyways, that night I talked with my daughter about her "Mama S." How she'd come back from a long trip, wanted to visit with her, etc... My daughter's one concern? She asked if she had to go live with her. After I reassured her that no, her home was with us, it was just a visit. She replied, "okay I would like to visit then Mom." The next afternoon I phoned and arranged to meet her at a donut shop in her neighborhood. Now, aside from being 30 mins. late, if the boundaries we'd discussed the day before had been respected, I would have been okay with a visit every 6 months or so. As a Mom, I couldn't imagine life without my son. Although, I never was (fortunately) in her position. I understand the mother love. Unfortunately, she acted in ways that would potentially confuse my daughter and bring chaos into our lives. After discussing it with my husband, I let her know that we felt it was in the baby's best interest to let her grow and develop a little more before arranging any additional visits. I let her know that I'd set up an exclusive email for communication between us and that I would send pics. 2 or 3 times a year. At that point in time, having been completely ignored on the boundaries we'd discussed and agreed on, and having been disrespected several times to my daughter. i.e. She couldn't refer to me as "your Mom or Mom" while talking to the baby. I was "her and she". At one point, my daughter gave me a questioning look. When she took it upon herself to mention holiday plans to my daughter that we had not discussed, it was clear. My daughter deserved to continue growing up with a Mom and a Dad who loved her, in the safe, secure only world she'd known for 3 yrs. After a few years, when her foundation was a little more developed and she had more of an understanding, we'd reassess things. Now, I will tie this post together. As an answer to one of my many requests for a goodbye visit, Genny Wrocklage said,"A visit isn't possible at this time, they're bonding, yadayada. Remember how you felt re: S.? Well now you're S." Okay for one thing, I shared a deep, loving bond with my daughter that only comes with daily, consistent, loving time spent together. During our private meeting, one thing I stated to S., "I respect that you carried her and gave her life." "However, 2 years is a long time at her age. You need to accept and respect, she hasn't been sitting on a shelf waiting for your return. I've been a consistent, loving, part of her life as long as she can remember. You need to be okay that I'm Mom." Since we had a history, I guess I accepted her quick agreement a little quickly myself. Second point, I very much set up the visit understanding S.'s heart and desire as a Mom myself. However, I took time to insure that A.'s best interests were number one priority. Only someone who has no clue would attempt to compare the situations!! I always acted for the good of my dau. I never put my feelings into the equation! Isn't that a Mom? Yes! A true Mom doesn't put her jealousies, insecurities, ahead of what's best for the child! IMO Someone who's incapable of that, Is not and will NEVER be a true, fit, deserving parent! I pray that you giggled and laughed today! My sweet little one Forever and Always, Plus One more Day! XOXO Mom

"FLYING TO BOSTON"

August of 2009 we traveled to Boston for the 2nd time. Big difference between 10 months and 30 months! Traveled much lighter this time! Lol! You were old enough to understand vacation which was awesome! The 1st day or 2 of our 1st trip were difficult for you. I'm sure it was a combination of; jet lag, strange place, strangers, confusion. You were okay after a bit. It was just something new. This time, you were recently out of diapers! Which was awesome! Even though we had about 15 mins. between each potty break, No accidents! We took a nonstop red eye, you were sound asleep w/in mins. of take off. Unlike myself, you were able to sleep most of the flight there. Just one of the many perks of being a child! Anyways, the part that stands out for me, even now; Early the next morning, we were descending into Boston. The Captain was making the standard,"welcome to Boston, weather here is..., Thanks for flying w/ us, etc...speech." Just as you began waking up. Suddenly you turned to me and said,"Mommy that man's bothering me. Could you please ask him to be quiet?" I couldn't help but laugh! After checking into the hotel, we discovered the bed requested for you was unavailable. Thankfully this was remedied w/ a chaise and ottomen in the room. We put them together and voila! Perfect instant bed! Although we only stayed a short time, we actually did a lot of visiting. In addition to a baby shower at my cousin Lori's house, a reunion cookout at Prospect Hill park,"the woods".** You LOVED "going for a walk in the woods w /Daddy!" Swimming in the hotel pool w/ Daddy was also a favorite activity! On our last full day, we managed a trip into Boston to the children's museum. Not bad for 6 days! I was so proud for everyone to meet you and see what a wonderful child you were! I love you sweet Ahmi girl! Forever and Always plus One more Day! I hope you giggled and laughed today! XOXO Mom ** Edited: 12/26/11

"THE EYES HAVE IT"

I began taking you to the eye Dr. when you were approx. 4-5 months old for excessive tearing. Unfortunately you were a few months past a year when blocked tear ducts was finally diagnosed. Luckily you'd never had an infection or any goopy drainage. Just Lots of tears from one side. Too late for facial massage to try and open them. Although I did try hoping it might work. The appt. was made for your 1st out patient procedure. We took you in early to Children's and even though I was so worried I forgot your "B and blankie" at home, everything went well. We had a quick talk with the Dr. and the Anesthesiologist and they whisked you away so quickly, there were no tears. Well everything went as expected and we were home w/in 4 hours. Except for the normal nasal discharge over the next 24 hours we assumed that was behind us. Unfortunately, w/in 6 months the symptoms returned. For the 2nd procedure, they would put tubes into your ducts. Planning to leave them in for 6 months and hopefully that would allow them to remain open after the removal. Once again we went in early. This time I remembered your B and blanket! Once again the surgery went as expected. The hardest part for me was seeing the IV in your little hand when we were allowed back in recovery. I had to turn away so you wouldn't see my tears. They had covered it up with a towel but, you weren't fooled! "Take it off" you told the nurse. Trying to distract you, she said, "now don't take that home okay." You gave her such a look! Your look said loud and clear, "Are you crazy? I don't want to take it home. I want it off right now!." Luckily, we were able to distract you long enough till the fluid was gone and they finally removed it. After you had some juice we were able to go home. 24 hours of nasal discharge and you were good to go! Well, 5 days later we were on our way home from the B's, Apparently, while rubbing your eye, one tube was pulled out. I looked back and saw it hanging. That was a slight panic! Lol! Made it home. Called the Drs. office and was told to cover that eye w/ gauze and bring you in 1st thing in the a.m. Cover an almost 2 yr olds eye with gauze and tape! There's an experience! Well, they ended up having to pull it. Too much of the tube was out already. So, hoping for the best, we left the office w/ the 1 remaining tube. That one lasted 28 days! Dr. Bansel had hoped they'd be in longer but, she was optimistic that maybe it might have been enough time. Within 6 months unfortunately, the symptoms returned. The 3rd surgery consisted of the Dr. inserting a balloon and inflating it enough to hopefully clear out any and all blockage once and for all. This time there was a delay of a few hours before your surgery. I felt so bad for you. You wanted a drink and something to eat. Although, I understood where you were coming from, you weren't allowed anything. Luckily, we made it through and you were finally taken in. When I was allowed back into recovery, I was relieved there was no nasal discharge! So approx. 7 hours later we left the hospital. A quick stop for a happy meal, and home to rest. When we went in for your follow up, thank goodness it seemed to finally be taken care of. When Dr. Bansel mentioned that any further treatment would consist of Cortizone shots to the area. I made a mental note that wouldn't happen! You'd already been through enough! Luckily when I discussed it with Dr. Park, she agreed. We decided if necessary, we'd wait until you were a little older and shunts would be put in. However, in the end it was moot. Although, a few months later you said your eye was "crying" we gave it a few days and luckily, it stopped! I love you sweet girl! Forever and Always plus One more day! I pray you smiled and laughed today! XOXO Mom

"THE COLD RAINY DAY AT SEAWORLD"

Do you remember our 1st trip to SeaWorld w/ Ms. Mary? It was the fall of 2009. About two months before your third birthday. That morning was gray and drizzly but, knowing Ms. Mary would still be there, we headed out. Despite the threat of stormy weather, most of the morning was rain free. Towards the end however, just as we were on the walkway overlooking the Orcas, the rain began in earnest! What a trooper you were! Ms. Mary and the 2 of us were in one of the smaller aquariums. As the downpour showed no signs of easing up, Ms. Mary and I agreed it was time to go. You volunteered to lead the way! By the time we reached the car we were soaked to the skin! Luckily, I had towels in the emergency pack in the trunk. We were able to dry off a little bit. You were such a big girl! No whining or complaining. We just laughed about the weather and headed home. On the way, I asked how hot chocolate sounded. You immediately asked, "with cream?" Since hot chocolate with whipped cream was just what that cold, stormy day called for, we made a quick stop at the store to buy some. Minutes later we got home and changed (all of our) clothes. Lunch and hot chocolate(w/ cream)turned out to be the very best way to end the morning! We made a 2nd trip four months later in the Spring. The 2nd time it was typical Southern CA weather. Even so, despite the weather, I liked our 1st visit the best! I love you sweetest girl! Forever and Always plus One more Day! I hope you smiled and laughed today! XOXO Mom

"SWINGING"

I'll never forget Ms. Mary's outdoor class (or Ms. Helen's indoor one). AKA Parent participation classes. Those were some special times for us. We definitely went to a lot of parks and places we otherwise may not have known about. We started Ms. Helen when you were 15 months old. We were in her class until you were 2 1/2. You changed SO much! It was a joy and a privilage to share that special time. You learned and grew So quickly! Then of course, Ms. Mary's. We had an awesome 2 yrs. in her outdoor classroom! I always remember one of those days and smile! You were about 3 1/2. We were walking towards the swings and I asked you if you wanted to swing together. You sat on my lap facing me and I began to pump my legs. "Higher Mom, go higher." So after making sure you held on tight, and, clasping my hands behind you. I went higher. It was a beautiful spring day, a nice gentle breeze. It almost seemed we were flying! We looked at each other and began to giggle. You leaned your head back, closed your eyes, opened them and began chuckling. "Do that Mom. It tickles your tummy. Try it." So, I did. We laughed and laughed! It's a heart memory that I'll remember always. I Love You! Forever and Always plus One More Day! I hope you giggled and laughed today sweetest girl. XOXO Mom

"TO THE BEST GIRL"

To my sweet darling girl, First I want to say how very, very sorry I am for the trauma you've been put through this year. I'm sorry I lost our home and that you had to go to that HORRIBLE place(Polinsky). I'm also extremely sorry that I told Genny Wrocklage something out of anger that I'd kept quiet about for 15 months. I never should have trusted her, should have kept it to myself and in fact, should have taken it to the grave. Opening up to her was a big part of why you weren't returned to me. That is something I regret to this day and always will. I pray every day that you aren't blaming yourself for ANYTHING! Although, at four, I fear that is in fact the case. Sweetheart if I'd been allowed to see you, I would have assured you that, Absolutely nothing that happened was your fault! Not for a minute have I stopped loving you! You could never do anything that would cause that to happen! I love and miss you so much. Always and Forever plus One more day. Do you remember how I always told you about me wishing for a little girl when I was a little girl? How you were my dream come true? That is as true today as it always was. I begged many times for the chance to see you and say goodbye. There were different excuses about why I couldn't. Once, it was "she's talking about you too much, you're a threat to what they're trying to build with her." Although I'm not sure who's interest they were thinking of, yours or theirs? Another time Genny Wrocklage said "It's obvious you're still very angry with me and I don't see that a visit would be beneficial at this time." As if my anger at her would ever be greater than my love for you. It wouldn't but, she never gave me that chance. Although she told me at one time she understood that I was your Mom. That she respected the love and bond we shared, she never respected it enough to do the decent, human thing and allow us to have the chance to say goodbye. Sweet girl I pray each day your heart is a little happier and that you don't carry any of this on your shoulders. You were/are the best little girl any parents could hope for. Life with you was a joy and a privilege. I think about you all the time and anxiously await the day we might be reunited. Until then, a piece of my heart and soul is missing. The day I see you again is when I will once again be complete. I love you beautiful girl! Forever and Always, plus One more day! I pray you smiled and laughed today my sweetest girl! XOXO Mom

"WHAT DEFINES MOM"

"The commonest fallacy among women is that simply having children makes one a mother which is as absurd as believing that having a piano makes one a musician."-Sydney J. Harris
"Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother." - Oprah Winfrey

"Mom" IMO the greatest title a Woman can have in her lifetime. Aside from growing, carrying, and giving birth to a child. I've been thinking a lot the past ten months about other ways women become "Mom". Genny Wrocklage tried to minimize the relationship I shared with my daughter. In court I was reduced to the "caretaker". For myself, the biggest issue I have re: Social Workers is, they're not parents. They have no concept of being a parent, loving a child. In turn, they can't relate, there's no empathy. They look at the world with a young, inexperienced narrow viewpoint. My son grew under my heart. After 22 excruciating hours, he entered the world. It was love at first sight! 25 years later, a tiny, beautiful little girl came into my life. With the eyes of an old soul, she just lay quietly and looked at me. I wondered what had this baby been through in her first 3 months, that she seemed to look at life through much older eyes? From that first day, she began to grow in my heart. As time passed, she grew and thrived. The bond between us grew stronger as the days turned to weeks, months, and then to years. Along the way there was, life filled with, laughter, joy, love, a tear or two, many milestones to meet, and 3 eye surgerys to conquer. I believe loving, comforting, nurturing, teaching, all that goes into caring for a baby (3 mths.-4 yrs.), are all the acts of a Mom. I love both of my children. They both will always own a piece of my heart. My son showed me the meaning of a pure, emotional, over whelming love. He taught me what it means to love a child. My daughter means the world to me. I miss her and I love her just as much today as I did in Jan. At first, so much of what Genny Wrocklage said to me or about me was devastating. It was months before I finally got mad enough to fight for my self respect and my self esteem. Thus a blog was born. Through writing I've come to realize; She's not a parent. Therefore, she's incapable of relating as one. I will no longer allow her pointless judgements, lies, or statements haunt or define me. I also realize that my little girl will look for me one day soon. I'll have a lot to share with her on that day. I just need be patient and wait. Once we are reunited, we will never be separated again. No matter what the robots at CPS are able to do in the moment, no one will erase the loving bond that connects our hearts. I love you Ahmi! With every beat of my heart. I miss you and I yearn for the day I will see your beautiful face once again. Forever and Always plus One more day! I hope you smiled and laughed today! XOXO Mom

"THE THINGS I MISS"

The list is so incredibly long I don't know where to begin. I miss hearing "Good morning mom". I miss smelling her hair, brushing it out after a bath. I miss the shared giggles and her impish grin. I miss her enthusiasm, her perseverence, and witnessing her pride in her discoveries and accomplishments. I miss her curiosity and fearlessness. I miss her hugs and kisses. I miss making her chocolate chip pancakes knowing she'll eat the chocolate chips and be "full".:)(I know, no nutrition. I believe, sometimes, the memories shared are most important.) I miss reading to her and tucking her into bed at night. I miss her happiness at getting to eat a cookie occasionally in the morning. I miss her laughter and her joy. I miss her questions. I miss the quiet moments. I miss the simple knowing how her day was. If anything special has happened in her life. I guess the list is endless. I'm trying to take a little comfort from the fact that my regrets can be counted on one hand with fingers left over. I think that says something. That's what comes of spending four years, bonding, loving, and watching a child grow. There is a never ending list of things to miss but, to have so few regrets helps lighten my heart a bit. Forever and Always plus One more Day! I pray that you giggled and laughed today sweet girl! XOXO Mom

"WE DON'T GO HAND IN HAND"

I've seen a few postings from people on different sites which seem to lump foster's and SW's into an interchangeable unit. I've also seen $ mentioned as if it's some sort of an incentive for fostering. Speaking for myself, the decision to foster had nothing to do with money. I made 4x more money working at my job, than what I would ever receive in reimbursement from the state. Believe me, it's no windfall. In my case it was an empty nest that came too soon and a heart full of love that wanted to help a baby. I never thought about the workers or about the redundant bureaucracy that I would soon have to deal with. If I had known what I was in for, maybe I would have thought twice. On second thought, probably not. After all, I did have the privilege of sharing four special years with a very special little girl. The two challenges of fostering did turn out to be the parents and the workers. During your initial training class it's presented as"a united team all working together to help support and reunite families". The reality is a little more complicated. Working with the majority of my parents turned out okay. A couple were very resentful re: their situation and did tend to redirect the anger. I learned to let that roll off my back. I had nothing to do with it. I was there for the children. IMO the ones who were angry, were the ones who needed CPS intervention desperately. As for the Social Workers, two of my daughters early workers were top notch! They visited monthly, were on top of everything. They stayed with her case long term. We lost the first one only because my daughter's case was transferred into adoptions at 15 months. The other unfortunately moved away to get married. I hated saying goodbye to her. Unfortunately the majority of social workers must have heavy case loads. I don't know for sure, I never asked. However, I do know that sometimes missing paperwork took weeks to appear. I do know that required monthly visits sometimes don't happen. Phone calls weren't always returned the same day. Sometimes not even in the same week. I know SW's are very busy and I know the job is challenging, potentially overwhelming at times. You learn very quickly that the, "united team, working together" theme from the training? It's bologna! For the most part, you're on your own. Sometimes vital information isn't passed along. Yet, you're expected to manage, make do, figure it out. There are so many rules and regulations you need to follow. So many things that can get you into trouble. The licensing workers are a whole separate group involved in your life. Not to mention the children's Attys. and their Investigators. Although, Attys. seem to rotate out about every 6 months. This past Jan. was the 1st time in 4 years that I actually ever saw one of the Attys. Within this large network of people there are really no resources or support for the foster parents. There's an "omsbudsman" supposedly there for the FP. My experience, don't waste your time! It's like a bee hive. They all swarm around to protect it. The only true support was provided by a small number of foster parents who've been doing/dealing with it all for many, many years. They host the different monthly training/support groups. They're really the only ones that end up providing answers, guidance, and emotional support. Except for the 2 workers I mentioned, I never felt I was part of a team. Mostly, I felt like I took care of all the daily parts of life the workers had no time for. Nor any interest in.

"DAYTIME NIGHTMARE"

224 Awful days! This daily constant nightmare SUCKS! It seems my brain is constantly wondering (imagining) how my daughter is coping. Is she blaming herself? Does she imagine that I stopped loving her? Does she think that she did something wrong? Having personnal knowledge of the useless garbage that has come from Genny Wrocklage only adds to the torture. I have no faith at all re: the way she interacted with Ahmi. She liked to pretend she knew her. You don't get to know a child by visiting them 30-45 mins. every few months. Especially when you don't have children. Until someone is a parent, they have no clue! I firmly believe that and will until my time on Earth is done. I just can't seem to stop looking and listening. On the freeway, in the stores, whenever I'm out. I catch myself always taking a second look. I think that soon I will take leave of this place for a bit. I do know that as soon as she is old enough to figure out FB or even just searching the Internet, she will have no trouble finding me. That is the day I am looking forward to. Because on that day, others will walk in my shoes and maybe will learn something about compassion and loss. Until that day finally comes, I truly hope and pray that she is letting someone know how she's doing. Unfortunately, she does tend to keep things to herself. I hope the people she's with have figured that much out by now. Of course if they're as delusional as the SW has been,... My poor darling.
Dear Ahmi, the consistent message I've heard is "She's doing great! Over her grief, etc..." Since that comes from the mouth of a liar, it's very little comfort to me. Sweetheart I hope and pray that each day brings a little more happiness and a lot less pain in your heart. I love you sweetest girl! Always and Forever plus One more Day! I never stopped, I never could! I'm waiting for your contact. Day or night 24/7. I'm here waiting sweetie. We have so much to talk about. I love you!

"COINCIDENCE?"

Genny Wrocklage or Genny Wrecklage??

"THE CRAP SHE SPEAKS"

It was horrible enough when Genny Wrocklage gave my beloved little girl to strangers. Yet, somehow, every time she opened her mouth she managed to make it even worse! Such as her comment "She's young enough to forget about you, and go on to have a happy life." Yes, I suppose one could make that stretch and work life out the way they wished it to be. Goodness knows four year olds and babies could be comparable if we talk enough! What's four years of bonding, loving, building memories? Couldn't possibly be important enough to matter to a child who's only four! "She's a very bright child, with a lot of promise. I want to see her placed with a loving family who will help her to become all she can be." Excuse me, seeing as how we've known for quite some time just how bright she is. We also witnessed her growing into the awesome little girl she is. We saw that daily in many ways. How the hell did she come so far? She certainly didn't sit by herself in a corner and magically grow that way! No Miss Social Wrecker, that's what happens when a child has love, attention, time spent playing, reading, laughing, activities, etc...The witch tried to credit nature and DNA. She'd much rather minimize nurture and environment. Bull crap! Well considering that little girl was being starved when she first came to us, gee, I wonder how much better off her brain was back then? Also, if nature is prevalent, does that mean she's doomed to a future of prostitution and drugs? Of course not! Just one more example of a Social Wreckers mouth moving and nothing important or anything of substance being spoken! It seemed she'd say anything to minimize, and/or ignore the relationship that we shared. Proof in point, she was so negative in court re: me. She totally blew off the excellent evaluation my angel had recently undergone. Never mentioned any of the outstanding things the psychologist had said re: that eval. How impressed she was with my daughter. She never mentioned how my daughter stated that she loved me and wanted to be with me. After getting totally creamed by 2 veteran attorneys. I was devastated and standing in the hallway outside the courtroom. The Bitch had the nerve to come up to me and say, "you have to admit I was fair." I couldn't believe the gall! She's lucky we were in a courthouse! I mean she along with her two experienced attorneys,(both of whom strongly objected to the court appointing me a Lawyer.) had just torn me apart in the travesty they called a trial. She'd basically revealed her evil, lying true self to me. I understood finally that she'd stabbed me in the back. That she'd never been on my side. I'd done everything she said, including, filing for Divorce. It had got me nowhere! I still hadn't really absorbed all the lies she testified to in the courtroom. And, she's looking for compliments on how she screwed me but,"You have to admit that I was fair." Got to hand it to her, I could never be so incredibly cold hearted, evil, cluless, ballsy, ignorant...