"TO THE BEST GIRL"

To my sweet darling girl, First I want to say how very, very sorry I am for the trauma you've been put through this year. I'm sorry I lost our home and that you had to go to that HORRIBLE place(Polinsky). I'm also extremely sorry that I told Genny Wrocklage something out of anger that I'd kept quiet about for 15 months. I never should have trusted her, should have kept it to myself and in fact, should have taken it to the grave. Opening up to her was a big part of why you weren't returned to me. That is something I regret to this day and always will. I pray every day that you aren't blaming yourself for ANYTHING! Although, at four, I fear that is in fact the case. Sweetheart if I'd been allowed to see you, I would have assured you that, Absolutely nothing that happened was your fault! Not for a minute have I stopped loving you! You could never do anything that would cause that to happen! I love and miss you so much. Always and Forever plus One more day. Do you remember how I always told you about me wishing for a little girl when I was a little girl? How you were my dream come true? That is as true today as it always was. I begged many times for the chance to see you and say goodbye. There were different excuses about why I couldn't. Once, it was "she's talking about you too much, you're a threat to what they're trying to build with her." Although I'm not sure who's interest they were thinking of, yours or theirs? Another time Genny Wrocklage said "It's obvious you're still very angry with me and I don't see that a visit would be beneficial at this time." As if my anger at her would ever be greater than my love for you. It wouldn't but, she never gave me that chance. Although she told me at one time she understood that I was your Mom. That she respected the love and bond we shared, she never respected it enough to do the decent, human thing and allow us to have the chance to say goodbye. Sweet girl I pray each day your heart is a little happier and that you don't carry any of this on your shoulders. You were/are the best little girl any parents could hope for. Life with you was a joy and a privilege. I think about you all the time and anxiously await the day we might be reunited. Until then, a piece of my heart and soul is missing. The day I see you again is when I will once again be complete. I love you beautiful girl! Forever and Always, plus One more day! I pray you smiled and laughed today my sweetest girl! XOXO Mom

"WE DON'T GO HAND IN HAND"

I've seen a few postings from people on different sites which seem to lump foster's and SW's into an interchangeable unit. I've also seen $ mentioned as if it's some sort of an incentive for fostering. Speaking for myself, the decision to foster had nothing to do with money. I made 4x more money working at my job, than what I would ever receive in reimbursement from the state. Believe me, it's no windfall. In my case it was an empty nest that came too soon and a heart full of love that wanted to help a baby. I never thought about the workers or about the redundant bureaucracy that I would soon have to deal with. If I had known what I was in for, maybe I would have thought twice. On second thought, probably not. After all, I did have the privilege of sharing four special years with a very special little girl. The two challenges of fostering did turn out to be the parents and the workers. During your initial training class it's presented as"a united team all working together to help support and reunite families". The reality is a little more complicated. Working with the majority of my parents turned out okay. A couple were very resentful re: their situation and did tend to redirect the anger. I learned to let that roll off my back. I had nothing to do with it. I was there for the children. IMO the ones who were angry, were the ones who needed CPS intervention desperately. As for the Social Workers, two of my daughters early workers were top notch! They visited monthly, were on top of everything. They stayed with her case long term. We lost the first one only because my daughter's case was transferred into adoptions at 15 months. The other unfortunately moved away to get married. I hated saying goodbye to her. Unfortunately the majority of social workers must have heavy case loads. I don't know for sure, I never asked. However, I do know that sometimes missing paperwork took weeks to appear. I do know that required monthly visits sometimes don't happen. Phone calls weren't always returned the same day. Sometimes not even in the same week. I know SW's are very busy and I know the job is challenging, potentially overwhelming at times. You learn very quickly that the, "united team, working together" theme from the training? It's bologna! For the most part, you're on your own. Sometimes vital information isn't passed along. Yet, you're expected to manage, make do, figure it out. There are so many rules and regulations you need to follow. So many things that can get you into trouble. The licensing workers are a whole separate group involved in your life. Not to mention the children's Attys. and their Investigators. Although, Attys. seem to rotate out about every 6 months. This past Jan. was the 1st time in 4 years that I actually ever saw one of the Attys. Within this large network of people there are really no resources or support for the foster parents. There's an "omsbudsman" supposedly there for the FP. My experience, don't waste your time! It's like a bee hive. They all swarm around to protect it. The only true support was provided by a small number of foster parents who've been doing/dealing with it all for many, many years. They host the different monthly training/support groups. They're really the only ones that end up providing answers, guidance, and emotional support. Except for the 2 workers I mentioned, I never felt I was part of a team. Mostly, I felt like I took care of all the daily parts of life the workers had no time for. Nor any interest in.

"DAYTIME NIGHTMARE"

224 Awful days! This daily constant nightmare SUCKS! It seems my brain is constantly wondering (imagining) how my daughter is coping. Is she blaming herself? Does she imagine that I stopped loving her? Does she think that she did something wrong? Having personnal knowledge of the useless garbage that has come from Genny Wrocklage only adds to the torture. I have no faith at all re: the way she interacted with Ahmi. She liked to pretend she knew her. You don't get to know a child by visiting them 30-45 mins. every few months. Especially when you don't have children. Until someone is a parent, they have no clue! I firmly believe that and will until my time on Earth is done. I just can't seem to stop looking and listening. On the freeway, in the stores, whenever I'm out. I catch myself always taking a second look. I think that soon I will take leave of this place for a bit. I do know that as soon as she is old enough to figure out FB or even just searching the Internet, she will have no trouble finding me. That is the day I am looking forward to. Because on that day, others will walk in my shoes and maybe will learn something about compassion and loss. Until that day finally comes, I truly hope and pray that she is letting someone know how she's doing. Unfortunately, she does tend to keep things to herself. I hope the people she's with have figured that much out by now. Of course if they're as delusional as the SW has been,... My poor darling.
Dear Ahmi, the consistent message I've heard is "She's doing great! Over her grief, etc..." Since that comes from the mouth of a liar, it's very little comfort to me. Sweetheart I hope and pray that each day brings a little more happiness and a lot less pain in your heart. I love you sweetest girl! Always and Forever plus One more Day! I never stopped, I never could! I'm waiting for your contact. Day or night 24/7. I'm here waiting sweetie. We have so much to talk about. I love you!

"HOW DOES ONE JUST MOVE ON?"

The depression I've sunk into since the start of the year just seems to get deeper. Although my head knows that life must go on, my heart is shattered. It's been made so much worse by the fact, that we were denied the chance to say goodbye! There's no closure only a devastating sense of loss. Although I've begged many times, my pleas always fell on deaf ears. My role now reduced to a "former caretaker." Our deep, loving bond minimized. Apparently, the fact that my baby talked about me all the time was "a threat to what they were trying to build with her." Excuse me but, who's interests are we concerned with? The child's or the adults? If my role was so minimal, why does it matter how often she talks about me? On the other hand, why would she talk about me all the time if we didn't share a bond? Just one more example of a Social Worker speaking yet, nothing of substance coming out of her mouth. You're supposed to just accept what the worker says without argument. I'll be the first to admit, that just isn't me. My mouth combined with my emotions=trouble. Because if you display emotions, well, there must be something wrong with you. The whole system SUCKS! A broken system run by broken people if you ask me. I mean WTF? You love and nurture a child for 4 years. One day she's there, the next gone. Not even allowed to say goodbye. How the hell do you just turn and walk away? How do you not feel overwhelmed with devastating grief and anger? It's been 199 days and the pain is just as raw today as it was in Jan.

"HEAVY HANDED"

A child was placed in our home who was 2 or 3 months from reunifying. Mom was a loving parent who'd made a bad choice. w/in a month, she was picking up her child 2x during the week and an overnight on the weekends. Mom soon asked them(court, SW)for the whole weekend. I had to call SW to confirm (I was happy for her) the SW was very neg. and difficult about adding hrs."too fast". For goodness sakes, she'd done everything, her children had been in system awhile, she always brought the child back on time, fed, etc...This Mom was 1 of only 2 parents I allowed to come to my house. Since the judge had approved it and the SW was IMO being a control freak and difficult for no good reason, we started Fri.-Sun. and 4 hrs. 3x during the week. I felt the SW was over controlling and petty. Because of things this child said and some behaviors that were being demonstrated, the Mom and I were both positive that her child had been molested by a teenager in 1 of the previous 3 homes the child had been placed in. We both reported our concerns. I also specified conversations I'd had with the child. The investigation was a joke. Over before it started. "I've asked and don't get any answers that make sense...' Maybe because, they're 4 and barely know you? While it's true the child never did open up to her, The info that both Mom and I passed on was reliable and should have been looked into more aggressively!

"SHUT UP, FALL IN LINE, DO AS YOUR TOLD..."

Last night, I was thinking back on the different ways my spouse and I were dealt with by cps workers over the past two and a half years. My spouse has always been better than I at their politics; yesing them, not making waves, keeping his opinions to himself. He's always grateful for the smallest bone the worker mentions. He's hoping for a direct email at this time. His glass is always 1/2 full. I'm 100% wiser. They'll tell you anything to shut you up, look you in the eye and lie to your face, believe what they choose to believe and that's that! My damn glass is ALWAYS 1/2 empty! My spouse will leave a voicemail or send an email and be okay with waiting days, sometimes weeks for her to get back to him. The way I see it, ignoring messages is, Disrespectful, Unprofessional, and Demeaning. It say's loud and clear; I could care less what you want, it's not important to me, I'll get to it when I get to it. Aside from child molesters or rapists(who,IMO deserve no respect), no one should be treated like that. If common courtesy and respect become extinct, I think they're already endangered, where will that leave society? If a parent/s makes a mistake, has done the wrong thing, yes, by all means, protect the children and teach the parent/s. However, when did demeaning, judging, disrespecting, or threatening parents become part of helping them? What good purpose is served by shredding someone's self esteem? You want my respect, be ready to give it. I'll be the 1st to admit, any perceptions on my part of being controlled or bullied, and my inner child, fight or flight instinct is something I have be aware of and not surrender to. I have a hard time with that. There was definitely a difference in what each of us would tolerate from SW's. My personal observations were that some SW's have major control issues. There's a need to prove they're in charge. They're not above using threats to break you down, keep you in line. You best do what you're told or else! BullShit! They don't have the right to treat people like dogs, tear down people's self esteem, rip someone apart and leave them feeling worthless! That's not helping someone, that's lording over them!

I PRAY MY ANGEL ISN'T FEELING EVEN 1/4 THE PAIN I DO...

Back in Jan. after the TDM, I was informed they were going to place the baby somewhere else. I immediately filed papers with the court objecting to the removal. Genny Wrocklage imposed a 2 day period when I wasn't allowed to see my baby. She said she had to supervise the first one and that she was busy. When I finally got to visit, I sensed my daughter was upset w/ me due to the fact that she wouldn't look me in the eye when the visit started. Towards the end of the hour, she let me know for sure that she was upset with me. She began hitting towards me as I was trying to help w/ something. I started saying," I know you're angry w/ me, I understand, It's okay, I'm sorry I wasn't here for 2 days, etc..." My beautiful, innocent girl broke down crying, she said,"where were you Mommy, I needed you, you didn't come,..." The worker, who was supervising this visit, leaned over and said," remember, I told you Mommy had to finish some errands for me before she could come visit?" WHAT?! Even my 4 year old looked at her like she was insane. How the hell is a 4 year old supposed to understand that ridiculous statement? Anyone WHO'S a parent knows that to a 4 year old, the world is about them, and they're the center of the universe. I couldn't believe a so called professional would make such a RIDICULOUS statement! I would think Child Development would be a required part of their course load in college! Then she climbed into my lap saying," rock me like a baby Mommy, like you used to." I choked back my tears and sat on the floor rocking her. Adding insult to injury, the SW and I exit the building. Devastated by the stress and trauma of my child, I say something re: being sorry for her pain and my contribution to the current situation. The SW, having been present, having clearly heard the exact words my child had said, instead of owning her responsibility for the trauma and pain my child suffered those 2 days, She flipped the blame onto my h. and I!"Yes, you and Bill provided a very poor environment in recent months." Granted, it's true the first 6 months of our separation had been an adjustment, a challenge. You don't throw off 23 years of marriage overnight. However, to clarify, my daughter at no time mentioned anything but her distress during the 2 days I was absent! If 2 days had such an effect on her, it rips my heart out to imagine what my sweet girl is experiencing now. Considering I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO SAY GOODBYE TO HER!