"GOOD BYE FOR NOW"

When I started this blog in July 2011, I was broken. The monsters who are in charge of the so called "Child Protective Services" in particular, Genny Wrocklage, had destroyed my world. I take responsibility for choices I made. However, that gave the witch no license to lie to my face, stab me in the back, traumatize an innocent child and worst of all, not allow us to say goodbye. Instead the bitch made decisions that were adult based. That ignored and stepped on the loving bond my sweet Ahmi girl and I shared. Her only reasoning was it threatened the substitutes. She didn't give a crap about the pain she'd cause to Ahmi! Yet, she's supposedly for "the best interests of children." The whole agency has turned into a corrupted pile of DOG CRAP! I live for the day they will be put in check! Well, I've come a long way since that summer day a year and a half ago. I'm now divorced and will have all my ex's money (the one thing he truly cares about). This blog is forever tied to the witch who lied to my face. Thanks to family court, I've found a sense of healing and peace. I know my girl will look for me. The heart doesn't forget. God brought her and I together and he won't forsake us! I just have to be patient, build my new future, and wait! Thank God for the power of the Internet! Thank you to all my readers. Putting the story out there was a big step in my healing! I miss my girl every minute of every day. I'll love her forever and always plus one more day. I know she'll look for me and I'll be waiting with open arms! If you're going through your own hell with the as$holes, I pray you find your way through. Hold tight to your self esteem! Remember, you're so much better/more than what they say. They thrive on ripping people apart. They're trash! Hopefully there will be change one day soon! Keep fighting and speaking out! I will! Don't know if this will truly be the last post. Death and taxes are the only sure things in life. If anything comes up, I will post it. For now it's time to concentrate on building my new life. Love and Thanks to all. I love you sweetest Ahmi girl. Forever and Always, plus One more Day!xoxo Mom Lynn Connearney

"DEAR SWEET AHMI GIRL(LITTLE ONE)"

Genny Wrocklage refused to allow us any chance for closure. No goodbye, no closure. 500+ days. I'm starting to realize the pain is mine to carry until the day we meet again.
Wow 5 1/2 years old! Not so little anymore! Kindergarten will be starting soon. Are you excited? I remember when you were 2. You wanted to go to big kid school. Like "your kids" Sam and A.J. What do you know? The time is almost here. I'm sure you've grown and learned so much over the past year and a half! I often wonder; Do you still like elephants, tea parties, the beach, flip flops, chocolate? Is Jasmine still your favorite princess? Do you still silk? I miss your silks! I bet your hair is so long! Like I always said, I'm sure you skipped breakfast the day they were handing out the good hair gene. I'm sure you were first in line! Lol! Do you still play little tricks to hear others laughter? I miss your sweet impish grin every day! I pray everyday that your heart is light and the sound of your sweet laughter is heard often. The sound of your laughter and giggles makes the world a much better place! I hope that wonderful sound often brightens the world around you! You deserve so much laughter and joy! I hope and pray you are happy and well! Although we weren't able to say goodbye, I've never stopped loving or thinking about you! I'm so very sorry that I just disappeared from your life without saying goodbye. I need you to know, understand, and to believe that it wasn't your fault! You could never do or say anything that would cause me to go away or to ever stop loving you! Ever since you were a little baby I've said,"I'll Love You Forever and Always Plus One More Day!" That has always been true. Forever and always it will be true! You're the kindest, sweetest, smartest, bestest little girl ever! Just as we always told you, you're beautiful on the inside as well as the outside! That makes you very special! Lots of people have outer beauty. However, many of them don't have the beautiful heart that you do! It was a joy and a privilege to be a part of your life! Someday when you're grown, I would love to sit and share so many awesome memories with you. I have your scrapbook, baby journals, and your dvd. I will keep them safe until the day I pass them on to you alone! Every night I look up at the moon. I pray you giggled and laughed that day. I always say, "I love you sweetest Ahmi girl. Forever and Always plus One More Day!" Until the day we are reunited, I hold you close within my heart! Sending you tons of hugs and kisses, and oceans full of love! Mom p.s. Chris and Terry are having a baby girl in Sept. Right after school starts. Her name will be Adriana Rose. I'm making a pink and white blanket for her. Also making a small scrapbook. Well, I'm decorating the pages. They'll add the pics. I LOVE YOU!

"LIES V. TRUTH"

As far back as I can remember, my Mother seemed to prefer lying over the truth. My third and youngest brother was born a little bit less than 2 months before I turned 7. I very clearly remember when she told me it was a boy, I didn't believe her. I was convinced she was playing a cruel trick on me since she knew how much I wanted a sister. It wasn't until I saw his diaper being changed that I knew it was true. My first words upon seeing the truth,"Take him back and trade him in for a girl." Of course we kept him. I love him very much and those words were only my childish disappointment. My adult brain thinks back on that experience and I've often asked myself, why would my first reaction be of non belief re: my Mother's words? I was almost 7 yet already I'd learned my Mother couldn't be trusted. I won't go into the details but, yes, due to cruel things she'd done and lies I'd heard her speak, I'd already discovered my Mother was mean sometimes and didn't always tell the truth. Around the same time, my 2 younger brothers and I were upstairs in my parents bedroom jumping on the bed. My Dad who was in the Living room right below us, called for us to come down. He asked each of us in turn, "were you jumping on the bed?" I answered truthfully, "yes Dad." My brothers, I suppose trying to avoid getting into trouble, both said "no." They both had to stand in the corner. I didn't because, my Dad said, "Lynn told the truth." So many years later and that lesson is still a part of me! To this day, I respect someone who speaks the truth! Truth may sometimes hurt but, it's the right way to go. ALWAYS! I hate a liar. It's the worst thing someone can do to me. If Genny Wrocklege had had the decency and self respect to be truthful with me, I in turn would have respected that. Instead she lied, stabbed me in the back, walked all over the trust I'd placed in her. That's why forever and always, IMO, she's a waste of the air she breathes. To be in her position, as far as I'm concerned, wreckers are obligated to treat people with; truth, dignity, and respect. SHE FAILED! May she rot! I love you Ahmi girl! Forever and Always, plus One more day! I pray you giggled and laughed today and that your heart is light! xxoo Mom

"HAPPY NEW YEAR"

Happiest New Year my sweetest little love! Ahmi sweet girl I hope your holiday and birthday were happy! You so greatly deserve only happiness! Every moment of every day you are in my heart and in my thoughts. Two days are approaching fast that I've anticipated with dread. The day you were taken from me. Then the day Genny Wrocklage lied and betrayed us in court before she gave you away to the substitutes. 2011 was the most difficult and challenging year I've ever faced. I must admit I was glad to see it come to an end. I've resolved to embrace all future holidays/milestones rather than to dread them. Because I've come to realize, that each one that passes, brings our possible reunion one step closer. Every night I pray that you giggled and laughed that wonderful laugh of yours that always embraced everyone around you. I also pray your pain has lessened. I don't want any burden carried upon your shoulders. You were an innocent victim of bad decisions made by 2 adults you trusted (who regrettably, let you down) and a broken corrupt system run by people who are so caught up in the fantasy of being gods they've lost all sense of their humanity. I don't know what you've been told, I need you to know there are two sides to every story and I hope to have the chance to tell you mine. I Love you now as much as I always have, as much as I always will! From this moment on, I will welcome each passing day with appreciation. I will remember for each special day we miss, we are one day closer to the reunion I dream of and look forward to. I Love you Forever and Always plus One more Day! XOXO Mom

"ONE DAY WE'LL BE REUNITED"

Each night before I close my eyes, I pray you laughed and giggled that day. I'll never forget the 1st time I saw you. 12lbs, a tiny little one. I would put you in the snuggly, and use my knit cape to keep you warm. A gorgeous, black, full head of hair. You had more hair at 3 1/2 mths than a lot of 2 year olds have even grown in 2 yrs. Big, beautiful, dark eyes. The eyes of an old soul! I was very curious of why the sweetest little china doll baby girl was watching me with eyes of an old, old soul. What life experiences could you possibly have been through during the brief moment in time since your birth? Do you remember your Barney? We got you your 1st one w/in 10 days of your arrival. The visiting Nurse who came once a month your 1st year suggested a lovey to comfort you during any moments of stress. When you 1st came, any time you were distressed, i.e.bath time, diaper change,... You would pull your hair so hard it would stand straight out from the sides of your head. I tried putting socks on your hands until I could ask the Nurse. Miss Donna thought you were doing it as a self comforting attempt. So Barney became an important part of your life during the next 2 1/2 yrs. I would rub the silky side up and down your arm, leg, belly,...You were attached and redirected rather quickly. You loved it being stroked gently all over your face, lips, tip of nose, especially when you were tired. You would grow and name it "silking". I think there were 3 Barneys altogether. We got an extra after almost losing Barney #1. Then we got you another when the fleece side wasn't so fluffy anymore. You always preferred the original! Lol! Between the ages 2-3, every morning you'd come in my bedroom w/ your b., blanket, and Barney. "Here's Ahmi and her 3 B's.." was our saying back then. There was a brief time when I'd have to sneak him in the washer although, you always agreed that he smelt better after a wash and dry. Lol! From the very first day of your arrival you stole my heart. Your sweet laughter filled our hearts and the house with joy. One day I pray we'll be reunited. I will once again wrap my arms around you and I hope you'll be at home. I pray you giggled and laughed today my sweetest Ahmi girl. I Love you Forever and Always plus One more Day!! XOXO Mom **Edited 12/24/2011

"DEAR SWEET GIRL"

Dear Sweetest Ahmi girl, I pray you giggled and laughed today. That your heart is somewhat lighter. Even though the substitutes and Genny Wrecklage wouldn't allow us the chance to say goodbye, I just know within my heart that we will be reunited and we'll be together at Christmas again one day. For now, I wish you the Merriest Christmas and the Happiest 5th birthday! It seems like just yesterday you were 2 and claiming to be five so you could "be big like A.J and Sam". I think about you often. Do you still like Elephants? Tea parties? Flip flops? Do you still take your shoes off the 1st chance you get? Do you still silk? I miss your silks. I miss you my sweet baby love and think of you everytime I see the moon. I send a kiss and a hug to you each night before I go to bed. Be happy my sweetest girl as you so deserve to be. I love you Forever and Always plus One more Day! Till we see each other again, I hold you in my heart. XOXO Mom

"CORRECT NAMES"

One afternoon in the fall of 2010 we were at the neighborhood CVS. While I was paying, you were standing next to me doing little jumps while you waited. Suddenly you said, "Ow I hurt my vagina." The young kid behind the counter started laughing hysterically. "What did she say?" You politely repeated, "I hurt my vagina." Which set him off again. Of course you were very confused by his laughter. After all, you had hurt yourself and his reaction made no sense. As we left the store you asked me why he'd laughed when you hurt yourself. I explained to you that some people were very uncomfortable with the words "penis and vagina." I went on, "in our house we use the correct terms because it's important that you're always comfortable talking about your body. No matter what you can always come to me with any questions or problems, I'm here for you." Though we did agree that while out in public from then on, you'd tell me quietly so we'd avoid embarrassing anyone else. :) I hope those people have no hang ups re: correct names. I pray they didn't react the wrong way the first time you used the word vagina. If they have any sense they'll get over any hang ups they may have and realize that keeping children safe means encouraging open, honest communication from a young age. Just as I did with Chris years ago, I'd been following the very same philosophy with you. I hope they haven't done anything that would shame you. Just as I told you once, everyone has a body. Our bodies are special and private. No one has the right to touch you if you don't want them to. And they definitely don't have the right to do anything that scares you or feels bad. Remember, good secrets make you or someone else feel happy. Any secret that makes you unhappy or sad should be told right away. There's nothing wrong with using the correct names of our body parts. It's the adults/parents with their hang ups/issues who are wrong. I pray you giggled and laughed today little one. I love you sweetest girl. Forever and Always plus One more Day. XOXO Mom

"FLYING TO BOSTON"

August of 2009 we traveled to Boston for the 2nd time. Big difference between 10 months and 30 months! Traveled much lighter this time! Lol! You were old enough to understand vacation which was awesome! The 1st day or 2 of our 1st trip were difficult for you. I'm sure it was a combination of; jet lag, strange place, strangers, confusion. You were okay after a bit. It was just something new. This time, you were recently out of diapers! Which was awesome! Even though we had about 15 mins. between each potty break, No accidents! We took a nonstop red eye, you were sound asleep w/in mins. of take off. Unlike myself, you were able to sleep most of the flight there. Just one of the many perks of being a child! Anyways, the part that stands out for me, even now; Early the next morning, we were descending into Boston. The Captain was making the standard,"welcome to Boston, weather here is..., Thanks for flying w/ us, etc...speech." Just as you began waking up. Suddenly you turned to me and said,"Mommy that man's bothering me. Could you please ask him to be quiet?" I couldn't help but laugh! After checking into the hotel, we discovered the bed requested for you was unavailable. Thankfully this was remedied w/ a chaise and ottomen in the room. We put them together and voila! Perfect instant bed! Although we only stayed a short time, we actually did a lot of visiting. In addition to a baby shower at my cousin Lori's house, a reunion cookout at Prospect Hill park,"the woods".** You LOVED "going for a walk in the woods w /Daddy!" Swimming in the hotel pool w/ Daddy was also a favorite activity! On our last full day, we managed a trip into Boston to the children's museum. Not bad for 6 days! I was so proud for everyone to meet you and see what a wonderful child you were! I love you sweet Ahmi girl! Forever and Always plus One more Day! I hope you giggled and laughed today! XOXO Mom ** Edited: 12/26/11

"THE EYES HAVE IT"

I began taking you to the eye Dr. when you were approx. 4-5 months old for excessive tearing. Unfortunately you were a few months past a year when blocked tear ducts was finally diagnosed. Luckily you'd never had an infection or any goopy drainage. Just Lots of tears from one side. Too late for facial massage to try and open them. Although I did try hoping it might work. The appt. was made for your 1st out patient procedure. We took you in early to Children's and even though I was so worried I forgot your "B and blankie" at home, everything went well. We had a quick talk with the Dr. and the Anesthesiologist and they whisked you away so quickly, there were no tears. Well everything went as expected and we were home w/in 4 hours. Except for the normal nasal discharge over the next 24 hours we assumed that was behind us. Unfortunately, w/in 6 months the symptoms returned. For the 2nd procedure, they would put tubes into your ducts. Planning to leave them in for 6 months and hopefully that would allow them to remain open after the removal. Once again we went in early. This time I remembered your B and blanket! Once again the surgery went as expected. The hardest part for me was seeing the IV in your little hand when we were allowed back in recovery. I had to turn away so you wouldn't see my tears. They had covered it up with a towel but, you weren't fooled! "Take it off" you told the nurse. Trying to distract you, she said, "now don't take that home okay." You gave her such a look! Your look said loud and clear, "Are you crazy? I don't want to take it home. I want it off right now!." Luckily, we were able to distract you long enough till the fluid was gone and they finally removed it. After you had some juice we were able to go home. 24 hours of nasal discharge and you were good to go! Well, 5 days later we were on our way home from the B's, Apparently, while rubbing your eye, one tube was pulled out. I looked back and saw it hanging. That was a slight panic! Lol! Made it home. Called the Drs. office and was told to cover that eye w/ gauze and bring you in 1st thing in the a.m. Cover an almost 2 yr olds eye with gauze and tape! There's an experience! Well, they ended up having to pull it. Too much of the tube was out already. So, hoping for the best, we left the office w/ the 1 remaining tube. That one lasted 28 days! Dr. Bansel had hoped they'd be in longer but, she was optimistic that maybe it might have been enough time. Within 6 months unfortunately, the symptoms returned. The 3rd surgery consisted of the Dr. inserting a balloon and inflating it enough to hopefully clear out any and all blockage once and for all. This time there was a delay of a few hours before your surgery. I felt so bad for you. You wanted a drink and something to eat. Although, I understood where you were coming from, you weren't allowed anything. Luckily, we made it through and you were finally taken in. When I was allowed back into recovery, I was relieved there was no nasal discharge! So approx. 7 hours later we left the hospital. A quick stop for a happy meal, and home to rest. When we went in for your follow up, thank goodness it seemed to finally be taken care of. When Dr. Bansel mentioned that any further treatment would consist of Cortizone shots to the area. I made a mental note that wouldn't happen! You'd already been through enough! Luckily when I discussed it with Dr. Park, she agreed. We decided if necessary, we'd wait until you were a little older and shunts would be put in. However, in the end it was moot. Although, a few months later you said your eye was "crying" we gave it a few days and luckily, it stopped! I love you sweet girl! Forever and Always plus One more day! I pray you smiled and laughed today! XOXO Mom

"THE COLD RAINY DAY AT SEAWORLD"

Do you remember our 1st trip to SeaWorld w/ Ms. Mary? It was the fall of 2009. About two months before your third birthday. That morning was gray and drizzly but, knowing Ms. Mary would still be there, we headed out. Despite the threat of stormy weather, most of the morning was rain free. Towards the end however, just as we were on the walkway overlooking the Orcas, the rain began in earnest! What a trooper you were! Ms. Mary and the 2 of us were in one of the smaller aquariums. As the downpour showed no signs of easing up, Ms. Mary and I agreed it was time to go. You volunteered to lead the way! By the time we reached the car we were soaked to the skin! Luckily, I had towels in the emergency pack in the trunk. We were able to dry off a little bit. You were such a big girl! No whining or complaining. We just laughed about the weather and headed home. On the way, I asked how hot chocolate sounded. You immediately asked, "with cream?" Since hot chocolate with whipped cream was just what that cold, stormy day called for, we made a quick stop at the store to buy some. Minutes later we got home and changed (all of our) clothes. Lunch and hot chocolate(w/ cream)turned out to be the very best way to end the morning! We made a 2nd trip four months later in the Spring. The 2nd time it was typical Southern CA weather. Even so, despite the weather, I liked our 1st visit the best! I love you sweetest girl! Forever and Always plus One more Day! I hope you smiled and laughed today! XOXO Mom